lost the back bone

First off, last night I ate 3 dinners. Went home and ate some cereal. Went to choir practice and ate a sub. Went back home and had some shells and cheese. That's ridiculous. I still feel a little gross from it.


So here's how it happened. I'm supposed to meet with my supervisor on Friday afternoons. She and I haven't met in over a month now. So today she calls and tells me that she'll be over within the hour with this other woman who wants me to volunteer for her also. Okay alright I think to myself, we're gonna straighten things out and I won't be doing what I don't want to do. But lo and behold they come to gang up on me! My super asked me to tell them why the prospect of this new responsibility is overwhelming, so I tell them it's not something I'm not good at and I'm not comfortable with it. Then my supervisor and this woman start going on and on about things that they can do to make this thing fit in with what I'm already doing. Then I got an attitude and said something like, well from the sounds of it I don't have a choice. This isn't something I want to do but I have to. I'll do my best to work with you. They both caught on that I was upset, but no one seemed to care. They just did that, "oh someone has an attitude" face. This is ridiculous.


I'm so complainy. Here's why I'm upset. First off, my supervisor and I haven't met in over a month. This past week she was out of town but for most of the weeks we haven't met she hasn't even called to tell me she's not coming to our once a week meetings. Then she also knows that I really don't want to do this. I told her I don't. But then for her to show up like this and sorta corner me into doing this thing that she knows I'm not comfortable with just doesn't seem very professional and definitely not very Christian like. And to top it off, I was planning on telling her today that I'm cutting back my hours here so that I can do something where I'll actually be learning things from other people, rather than seeing a supervisor every once and awhile. So there goes that.


My experience here at Lawndale has changed the way I view Christian organizations drastically. As of right now I do not want to work for a large "Christian" anything. Maybe a small one, maybe. I'm just so sick of these enormous places that claim to be "Christian" while not fleshing that out. Seriously, how can an organization make that claim? That's making the statement that everyone in the organization is a little Christ. Trying to live out their faith with fear and trembling. When in reality I've seen so much here that has nothing to do with Christ. People that are discriminated against, taken advantage of, and looked over. Some of those I've experienced. I have hardly felt any love or concern from the majority of people I've met here. Oh and don't even get me started on how I've seen patients treated.


The fact that this place is labeled a "Christian" health clinic, just means that along with doctors and nurses and exec's getting bashed, so does Christ. Not all these patients are believers, we represent Christ! So why do we over book and let sick patients sit in the waiting room for hours because we don't have enough staff to take care of them? Have we grown too large? Why are numbers so important?


Oh my goodness I'm so grumpy now. Why can't people love people? Oh I wish there was something I could punch right now. Preferably a face.


Alright ... tonight Shawn is coming over. He's our new City Director ... hopefully he can help me.