the old days

I miss the days when old friends and I laughed until our stomachs hurt. I miss the times when everything we did was an adventure. Spontaneous was our middle name. We would laugh and talk about a deeper more meaningful life. Every topic led to a conversation about the reason we live and breathe. I miss that.

Life has taken me for a spin over the past year. Nothing is how it was. No one has remained the same. Not even me. Hardly anyone in my life was here a year ago. There are new friends, new hobbies. Hardly anything has remained the same. Part of this is good ... but there are definitely draw backs. A lot of people have walked out of my life ... which means not many people have known me longer than a year so they don't know where I've come from or who I was. Plus it's affected me on a psychological level as well. My faith in people is slowly diminishing. It's becoming harder and harder for me to love people on a genuine level because so many people that I loved have walked out of my life as if I never meant a thing to them. All through my life I've heard that love from humans can never be unconditional but I had hope that some ... even a few people ... would love me despite my flaws ... this hope I have found is fruitless, pointless even. People love who they want you to be and as soon as you fail to live up to their unrealistic expectations you might as well rest your head on the chopping block.

Alrighty I'm done bitching ... I'm tired ... I'm old ... and I'm starting school tomorrow ... oh how I miss the old days.

happiness

"Don't seek happiness. If you seek it, you won't find it, because seeking is the antithesis of happiness. Happiness is ever elusive, but freedom from unhappiness is attainable now, by facing what is rather than making up stories about it. Unhappiness covers up your natural state of well-being and inner peace, the source of true happiness." - Eckhart Tolle


We, as Americans, spend a enormous amount of time and even more money seeking happiness. How often do we actually find it when the pursuit of it consumes us? Hardly ever. If at all. Don't we more often than not find a glimmer of happiness in a smile from a complete stranger, bumping into an old friend, a sunset, a cool breeze drenched with the scent of freshly cut grass? Well I sure think so.

A church I once attended had an overused slogan that they threw into scads of sermons and motivational talks. "Let go and let God." The first time I heard it I'm sure it hit home. Maybe I was in the middle of some painful experience and at the time it made perfect sense. I don't like it so much anymore. But there's a part of it that hits on a much deeper issue than I think the creators of that phrase even realized. Those in religious and spiritual circles need to let go of so much. Too often I think we're seeking perfection, a sense of higher moral integrity than others. But if we spend too much time trying to attain it we stop loving. Stop loving God, stop loving people and even ourselves. How can we ever become ourselves?

Just let go.

formless

"When there is nothing to identify with anymore, who are you? When forms around you die or death approaches, your sense of Beingness, of I Am, is freed from its entanglement with form: Spirit is released from its imprisonment in matter. You realize your essential identity as formless, as an all-pervasive Presence, of Bring prior to all forms, all identifications. You realize your true identity as consciousness itself, rather than what consciousness had identified with. That's the peace of God. The ultimate truth of who you are is not I am this or I am that, but I Am." - Eckhart Tolle A New Earth

Unconsciously we identify ourselves with so many different labels. They give us our identity. I'm a woman for example. It's a fact that my physical appearance is that of a female. But that's not who I am. Not on a soul level anyways. These labels can often hinder our ability to live truly full lives. If on a deep level I let my relationships define me then I end up altering, ever so slightly, my personality around different people. Then I am held captive to the person that I have created. Interesting. I'm not sure if I'm even making that much sense. Just check out this book. It touches on the ego, uncomfortable at times, but if you're ready I think it has the ability to change things.

it's been awhile ...

I've been getting into the writing mood again. maybe it's the change in the weather ... I can taste fall in the air. Autumn has a way of making me a philosopher ... even if just for a short time. although I will admit I hardly ever have anything of real significance to say, my thoughts are deeper. things seem clearer. individuals come alive as books to be read ... novels to be explored.

the other day I had an encounter that broke my heart and made me realize how little I know about the pain that people feel. it was a simple question, though thinking back I may have put a little too much emotion into it. I simply asked a woman how she was doing. she seemed down and out which was a dramatic change from the usual pep in her step. the response I got knocked me over. she looked at me with tears welling in her eyes and told me that the funeral was over. not in a million years had I expected that sort of a response. she then began to tell me that it had been so much harder than she thought to bury her father. as tears began rolling down her cheeks I found that I could not contain the ones that had been on the brim of my eyelids. her heart was broken. mine broke for her. I had asked a simple question expecting a simple response and what I was met with connected me into her world of fear and loneliness. I found that I had nothing to say ... a few words stumbled out of my mouth ... I think I told her she was a strong woman. more tears came. I wish there was something more I could have done ... but I'm not quick enough or perhaps I'm not brave enough.