drug lord

between adam and I we've been sick for two weeks straight. I've taken more drugs in the past couple weeks than probably in the past year. Sickness is annoying. And it's crazy to be reminded how out of control we are. I took so many pills that were supposed to guard my immune system from being attacked ... and yet I ended up sick. Don't we all at times believe that we control our own destinies? I know I fall into that more often than not. But it is no more true than professional wrestling.

if you are who you say you are

this past Sunday I heard the first sermon in probably 6 months thats really spoken to me. sure there have been wise words and witty rhetoric from many that I've heard ... but there was something a little shattering about this last one.

he began by asking if anyone had ever felt abandoned, lost, alone, called to do something "by God" only to find God nowhere around ... got me. I didn't even know why my eyes were starting to water but I listened. He talked about Ruth and Naomi and the abandonment that they felt as they unwillingly entered a new phase of their lives. as I began to mull over why this was hitting me so strongly I began to realize ... it's not the church I'm mad at. sure I'm disappointed and at times very upset, but that's not the reason that it's hard for me to even open a bible these days. I'm hurt, I feel abandoned, I feel foolish. I'm mad at God. "oh my!" you may be saying ... but you couldn't possibly understand what's going on in my heart. it was wonderful to realize. so many things are clearer.

somehow I came out of that Sunday morning service with hope because God revealed my heart ... to me. he knows me so much better than I can even imagine. I couldn't even tell you why I'm posting this on the internet ... maybe because there's no one else to tell ... maybe because, for my own sanity, I need to record it somewhere before I get confused again. but there it is.