I miss the days when old friends and I laughed until our stomachs hurt. I miss the times when everything we did was an adventure. Spontaneous was our middle name. We would laugh and talk about a deeper more meaningful life. Every topic led to a conversation about the reason we live and breathe. I miss that.
Life has taken me for a spin over the past year. Nothing is how it was. No one has remained the same. Not even me. Hardly anyone in my life was here a year ago. There are new friends, new hobbies. Hardly anything has remained the same. Part of this is good ... but there are definitely draw backs. A lot of people have walked out of my life ... which means not many people have known me longer than a year so they don't know where I've come from or who I was. Plus it's affected me on a psychological level as well. My faith in people is slowly diminishing. It's becoming harder and harder for me to love people on a genuine level because so many people that I loved have walked out of my life as if I never meant a thing to them. All through my life I've heard that love from humans can never be unconditional but I had hope that some ... even a few people ... would love me despite my flaws ... this hope I have found is fruitless, pointless even. People love who they want you to be and as soon as you fail to live up to their unrealistic expectations you might as well rest your head on the chopping block.
Alrighty I'm done bitching ... I'm tired ... I'm old ... and I'm starting school tomorrow ... oh how I miss the old days.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
happiness
"Don't seek happiness. If you seek it, you won't find it, because seeking is the antithesis of happiness. Happiness is ever elusive, but freedom from unhappiness is attainable now, by facing what is rather than making up stories about it. Unhappiness covers up your natural state of well-being and inner peace, the source of true happiness." - Eckhart Tolle
We, as Americans, spend a enormous amount of time and even more money seeking happiness. How often do we actually find it when the pursuit of it consumes us? Hardly ever. If at all. Don't we more often than not find a glimmer of happiness in a smile from a complete stranger, bumping into an old friend, a sunset, a cool breeze drenched with the scent of freshly cut grass? Well I sure think so.
A church I once attended had an overused slogan that they threw into scads of sermons and motivational talks. "Let go and let God." The first time I heard it I'm sure it hit home. Maybe I was in the middle of some painful experience and at the time it made perfect sense. I don't like it so much anymore. But there's a part of it that hits on a much deeper issue than I think the creators of that phrase even realized. Those in religious and spiritual circles need to let go of so much. Too often I think we're seeking perfection, a sense of higher moral integrity than others. But if we spend too much time trying to attain it we stop loving. Stop loving God, stop loving people and even ourselves. How can we ever become ourselves?
Just let go.
We, as Americans, spend a enormous amount of time and even more money seeking happiness. How often do we actually find it when the pursuit of it consumes us? Hardly ever. If at all. Don't we more often than not find a glimmer of happiness in a smile from a complete stranger, bumping into an old friend, a sunset, a cool breeze drenched with the scent of freshly cut grass? Well I sure think so.
A church I once attended had an overused slogan that they threw into scads of sermons and motivational talks. "Let go and let God." The first time I heard it I'm sure it hit home. Maybe I was in the middle of some painful experience and at the time it made perfect sense. I don't like it so much anymore. But there's a part of it that hits on a much deeper issue than I think the creators of that phrase even realized. Those in religious and spiritual circles need to let go of so much. Too often I think we're seeking perfection, a sense of higher moral integrity than others. But if we spend too much time trying to attain it we stop loving. Stop loving God, stop loving people and even ourselves. How can we ever become ourselves?
Just let go.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
formless
"When there is nothing to identify with anymore, who are you? When forms around you die or death approaches, your sense of Beingness, of I Am, is freed from its entanglement with form: Spirit is released from its imprisonment in matter. You realize your essential identity as formless, as an all-pervasive Presence, of Bring prior to all forms, all identifications. You realize your true identity as consciousness itself, rather than what consciousness had identified with. That's the peace of God. The ultimate truth of who you are is not I am this or I am that, but I Am." - Eckhart Tolle A New Earth
Unconsciously we identify ourselves with so many different labels. They give us our identity. I'm a woman for example. It's a fact that my physical appearance is that of a female. But that's not who I am. Not on a soul level anyways. These labels can often hinder our ability to live truly full lives. If on a deep level I let my relationships define me then I end up altering, ever so slightly, my personality around different people. Then I am held captive to the person that I have created. Interesting. I'm not sure if I'm even making that much sense. Just check out this book. It touches on the ego, uncomfortable at times, but if you're ready I think it has the ability to change things.
Unconsciously we identify ourselves with so many different labels. They give us our identity. I'm a woman for example. It's a fact that my physical appearance is that of a female. But that's not who I am. Not on a soul level anyways. These labels can often hinder our ability to live truly full lives. If on a deep level I let my relationships define me then I end up altering, ever so slightly, my personality around different people. Then I am held captive to the person that I have created. Interesting. I'm not sure if I'm even making that much sense. Just check out this book. It touches on the ego, uncomfortable at times, but if you're ready I think it has the ability to change things.
Friday, August 08, 2008
it's been awhile ...
I've been getting into the writing mood again. maybe it's the change in the weather ... I can taste fall in the air. Autumn has a way of making me a philosopher ... even if just for a short time. although I will admit I hardly ever have anything of real significance to say, my thoughts are deeper. things seem clearer. individuals come alive as books to be read ... novels to be explored.
the other day I had an encounter that broke my heart and made me realize how little I know about the pain that people feel. it was a simple question, though thinking back I may have put a little too much emotion into it. I simply asked a woman how she was doing. she seemed down and out which was a dramatic change from the usual pep in her step. the response I got knocked me over. she looked at me with tears welling in her eyes and told me that the funeral was over. not in a million years had I expected that sort of a response. she then began to tell me that it had been so much harder than she thought to bury her father. as tears began rolling down her cheeks I found that I could not contain the ones that had been on the brim of my eyelids. her heart was broken. mine broke for her. I had asked a simple question expecting a simple response and what I was met with connected me into her world of fear and loneliness. I found that I had nothing to say ... a few words stumbled out of my mouth ... I think I told her she was a strong woman. more tears came. I wish there was something more I could have done ... but I'm not quick enough or perhaps I'm not brave enough.
the other day I had an encounter that broke my heart and made me realize how little I know about the pain that people feel. it was a simple question, though thinking back I may have put a little too much emotion into it. I simply asked a woman how she was doing. she seemed down and out which was a dramatic change from the usual pep in her step. the response I got knocked me over. she looked at me with tears welling in her eyes and told me that the funeral was over. not in a million years had I expected that sort of a response. she then began to tell me that it had been so much harder than she thought to bury her father. as tears began rolling down her cheeks I found that I could not contain the ones that had been on the brim of my eyelids. her heart was broken. mine broke for her. I had asked a simple question expecting a simple response and what I was met with connected me into her world of fear and loneliness. I found that I had nothing to say ... a few words stumbled out of my mouth ... I think I told her she was a strong woman. more tears came. I wish there was something more I could have done ... but I'm not quick enough or perhaps I'm not brave enough.
Saturday, May 17, 2008
cup o' mojo
"Life at its very best is a passionate experience, not a doctoral dissertation. The problem is not that Christianity can't be believed, but that it can't be practiced because of its lack of lived experience. And it can't be observed by others because there are too few Christians who are radical enough to manifest what the gospel really looks like." - Leonard Sweet from The Gospel According to Starbucks
I have a sneaky feeling that I am going to like this book a lot. My coworker suggested it to me the other day. She said it isn't so much about religion as it is about spirituality. Right up my alley. Religion turns me off. In fact I kinda get a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach when I think about it. But spirituality is something that still has the ability to excite me. And yes I do believe there's a difference.
So far what Leonard Sweet is saying is that there are few who are really inhabiting the intended role of 'Christians'. I echo that sentiment my friend.
Oh Starbucks, who woulda thought that you would show me more of what it means to live like Christ than the American church?
I have a sneaky feeling that I am going to like this book a lot. My coworker suggested it to me the other day. She said it isn't so much about religion as it is about spirituality. Right up my alley. Religion turns me off. In fact I kinda get a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach when I think about it. But spirituality is something that still has the ability to excite me. And yes I do believe there's a difference.
So far what Leonard Sweet is saying is that there are few who are really inhabiting the intended role of 'Christians'. I echo that sentiment my friend.
Oh Starbucks, who woulda thought that you would show me more of what it means to live like Christ than the American church?
Thursday, May 15, 2008
is it 'go time'?
today at work I overheard my coworker in a conversation with a customer about picking up and relocating for a year. this is a subject I know about so I joined in. this woman felt like she had no tie to anything in her life, nothing keeping her here. dome mentioned my move to chicago after she told about her move to tucson. then I joined in with all the positive things about leaving where you are and going somewhere new. in a way I was speaking to this random lady ... in another way I felt like I was talking to myself...
the only question is ... where?
and when I get there ... can I dance?
the only question is ... where?
and when I get there ... can I dance?
Sunday, April 27, 2008
sundays
When Jesus said that Sunday's were to be a day of rest did that imply groups of well dressed do-gooders being gathered together under one roof and wowing each other with their holiness? I don't think so. But what do I know?
Well here's what I know... most days my priorities are way screwed up. I get frustrated at things that in a day won't matter. My patience can be relatively non existent. Cynicism is usually my reality because I've found it to be accurate more often than not. Stress seems to overtake most of my thoughts making sleep hard to come by and caffeine a necessity. I'm selfish and rude and can hardly stand myself most days. This paragraph ended up very different than I had originally intended but I guess the things I know aren't very glorious. The me that has taken the place of the person I used to be isn't too great to be around. Why am I surprised that friends are few and far between ... I shouldn't be. I'm quite the pill.
What I had begun to say was that I know certain things about faith and God. The more I question the less I seem to know. But that's where faith comes in I guess. Remember Sunday school teachers and parents telling you that "faith is believing in what you can't see". (Though now I realize that they gave us a foundation to build our boogie monster theories upon.) More accurately faith is choosing to make decisions based on what you believe, whether or not there is evidence to support those beliefs. And believing in God is so much more than acknowledging that there's a higher power out there. When you believe in something your actions show that. Say for example you believe that having a healthy lifestyle is the right thing to do and yet you eat junk food and sit on your couch all day. That means you don't really believe. Same with God. If you really truly believe He exists and believe that Jesus was his son who died after introducing us to a new way of life ... well then your life will be different.
Whoever said "it's what's inside that counts" is full of it. That's a cop-out. True it matters ... but if what's supposedly inside isn't evident on the outside then isn't it pointless. Like if I truly want to love my co-workers and then treat them poorly, my good intentions are like the local news, good to know about but who really cares?
I'm a hypocrite and I know it.
Well here's what I know... most days my priorities are way screwed up. I get frustrated at things that in a day won't matter. My patience can be relatively non existent. Cynicism is usually my reality because I've found it to be accurate more often than not. Stress seems to overtake most of my thoughts making sleep hard to come by and caffeine a necessity. I'm selfish and rude and can hardly stand myself most days. This paragraph ended up very different than I had originally intended but I guess the things I know aren't very glorious. The me that has taken the place of the person I used to be isn't too great to be around. Why am I surprised that friends are few and far between ... I shouldn't be. I'm quite the pill.
What I had begun to say was that I know certain things about faith and God. The more I question the less I seem to know. But that's where faith comes in I guess. Remember Sunday school teachers and parents telling you that "faith is believing in what you can't see". (Though now I realize that they gave us a foundation to build our boogie monster theories upon.) More accurately faith is choosing to make decisions based on what you believe, whether or not there is evidence to support those beliefs. And believing in God is so much more than acknowledging that there's a higher power out there. When you believe in something your actions show that. Say for example you believe that having a healthy lifestyle is the right thing to do and yet you eat junk food and sit on your couch all day. That means you don't really believe. Same with God. If you really truly believe He exists and believe that Jesus was his son who died after introducing us to a new way of life ... well then your life will be different.
Whoever said "it's what's inside that counts" is full of it. That's a cop-out. True it matters ... but if what's supposedly inside isn't evident on the outside then isn't it pointless. Like if I truly want to love my co-workers and then treat them poorly, my good intentions are like the local news, good to know about but who really cares?
I'm a hypocrite and I know it.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Rumi
Keep walking, though there's no place to get to.
Don't try to see through the distances. That's not for human beings.
Move within, but don't move the way fear makes you move.
Today, like every other day, we wake up empty and frightened.
Don't open the door to the study and begin reading.
Take down a musical instrument.
Let the beauty we love be what we do.
There are hundreds of ways to kneel down and kiss the ground.
RUMI
Don't try to see through the distances. That's not for human beings.
Move within, but don't move the way fear makes you move.
Today, like every other day, we wake up empty and frightened.
Don't open the door to the study and begin reading.
Take down a musical instrument.
Let the beauty we love be what we do.
There are hundreds of ways to kneel down and kiss the ground.
RUMI
Sunday, April 20, 2008
selfish
"... its good to be out where others can see you, so you can't be your ghastly, spoiled self. It forces you to act slightly more elegantly, and this improves your thoughts, and thereby the world." - Anne Lamott
often I think my life would be an awful lot simpler if I lived a nomadic life. no close relationships. no home. no obligations or events stealing my time away from my own existence. these thoughts are selfish I know, but they are mine and I must own them. and the truth of the matter is that life would be easier. if the only person I had to worry about was myself I would have it made. sure I would be lonely, but I would be free. lonely and free. it's funny that I think this way, but don't we all at some point? this is probably why I enjoy Anne Lamott so much. not only is she an intriguing writer but she can't stand to be around people most of the time. good news in her story, and mine, is that the choice we make to remain with people usually pays off. sometimes in a painful "lesson learning" experience and in rare cases you realize how valued you are. it's those memories that give me hope. those memories remind me to stay, to love. and here I am writing this out because I know that I will inevitably forget and in about a month I will want to move far away from everything I know. so here it is, I need people, and whether or not they want me, I shall remain.
often I think my life would be an awful lot simpler if I lived a nomadic life. no close relationships. no home. no obligations or events stealing my time away from my own existence. these thoughts are selfish I know, but they are mine and I must own them. and the truth of the matter is that life would be easier. if the only person I had to worry about was myself I would have it made. sure I would be lonely, but I would be free. lonely and free. it's funny that I think this way, but don't we all at some point? this is probably why I enjoy Anne Lamott so much. not only is she an intriguing writer but she can't stand to be around people most of the time. good news in her story, and mine, is that the choice we make to remain with people usually pays off. sometimes in a painful "lesson learning" experience and in rare cases you realize how valued you are. it's those memories that give me hope. those memories remind me to stay, to love. and here I am writing this out because I know that I will inevitably forget and in about a month I will want to move far away from everything I know. so here it is, I need people, and whether or not they want me, I shall remain.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
where'd you go
i feel like a guest who's outstayed her welcome.
sometimes i just want to get up and leave this place.
sometimes i just want to get up and leave this place.
Thursday, April 03, 2008
conversation
the other day I overheard a conversation being had between a coworker and a friend. they were discussing the 3 most controversial topics in American society. Sex, religion and politics. those happen to be the three topics that I enjoy engaging in the most. they are also the three topics that get me fired up, or passionate if you will. I guess one could say I'm a controversial girl.
and tomorrow I'm headed to Texas to bear witness to the joining of two lives in holy matrimony. is it just me or have weddings lost a bit of their magic?
in a way I feel as if I've had to begin a new life ... I guess I can see why those who used to be in my life are not now. in some cases it was my doing. and there were those who made the choice not to be in mine. and the remaining absentees were the plastic easter grass in my basket ... there but serving no purpose whatsoever. now they're gone. it's incredible to me how many people have walked in and out of my life over the past two or so years. sad. and I wouldn't say that I'm happy about this. quite the contrary actually. many of those people I truly enjoyed. life changes.
and tomorrow I'm headed to Texas to bear witness to the joining of two lives in holy matrimony. is it just me or have weddings lost a bit of their magic?
in a way I feel as if I've had to begin a new life ... I guess I can see why those who used to be in my life are not now. in some cases it was my doing. and there were those who made the choice not to be in mine. and the remaining absentees were the plastic easter grass in my basket ... there but serving no purpose whatsoever. now they're gone. it's incredible to me how many people have walked in and out of my life over the past two or so years. sad. and I wouldn't say that I'm happy about this. quite the contrary actually. many of those people I truly enjoyed. life changes.
Monday, March 24, 2008
jesus land
started this book ... it's good ... julia scheeres says this,
"...sometimes I think that I'd rather have less suffering now, even if it meant less glory in Heaven."
that's something I feel from time to time. what if this stuff made a little bit more sense? sometimes I get so frustrated with the whole concept of religion. I don't understand. I believe God exists. I believe Jesus was his son, lived a sinless life and died so that I wouldn't have to go to hell. Beyond those things tho ... who knows.
this weekend I witnessed "Christians" that made me more uncomfortable than I can remember ever being. funny thing is, after leaving them and joining up with those who could be called "once a year churchgoers", I saw more of what I believe to be "Christian" morals or standards or what have you, than with those who claim to be giving up all for Christ. what does this mean?
"...sometimes I think that I'd rather have less suffering now, even if it meant less glory in Heaven."
that's something I feel from time to time. what if this stuff made a little bit more sense? sometimes I get so frustrated with the whole concept of religion. I don't understand. I believe God exists. I believe Jesus was his son, lived a sinless life and died so that I wouldn't have to go to hell. Beyond those things tho ... who knows.
this weekend I witnessed "Christians" that made me more uncomfortable than I can remember ever being. funny thing is, after leaving them and joining up with those who could be called "once a year churchgoers", I saw more of what I believe to be "Christian" morals or standards or what have you, than with those who claim to be giving up all for Christ. what does this mean?
Tuesday, March 04, 2008
productive
so far this morning I have finally gotten away from the endless ordeal known as "canceling my phone service with sprint". this has been going on since the middle of december when I switched to at&t. ridiculous. i've never spoken to more uninformed humans in my life. every question i posed had to be passed on to someone else who was sure to have the answer. my irritation level had to be showing in the last couple of calls that the sprint service team and i had.
my taxes are finally done ... or at least the federal side of things are getting in the mail today. taxes are something that I don't understand. why can't it be taken out correctly the first time. and i think i should get to see exactly where my tax dollars go. have i helped to repair a road, or have i helped to cover up a government officials sex scandal. i'm just interested is all i'm saying.
and i'm forgetting to vote today. my motivation is very low ... maybe it's the weather or perhaps my impatience. but do not worry ... i will be voting in november like the responsible u.s. citizen that i am.
my taxes are finally done ... or at least the federal side of things are getting in the mail today. taxes are something that I don't understand. why can't it be taken out correctly the first time. and i think i should get to see exactly where my tax dollars go. have i helped to repair a road, or have i helped to cover up a government officials sex scandal. i'm just interested is all i'm saying.
and i'm forgetting to vote today. my motivation is very low ... maybe it's the weather or perhaps my impatience. but do not worry ... i will be voting in november like the responsible u.s. citizen that i am.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
drug lord
between adam and I we've been sick for two weeks straight. I've taken more drugs in the past couple weeks than probably in the past year. Sickness is annoying. And it's crazy to be reminded how out of control we are. I took so many pills that were supposed to guard my immune system from being attacked ... and yet I ended up sick. Don't we all at times believe that we control our own destinies? I know I fall into that more often than not. But it is no more true than professional wrestling.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
if you are who you say you are
this past Sunday I heard the first sermon in probably 6 months thats really spoken to me. sure there have been wise words and witty rhetoric from many that I've heard ... but there was something a little shattering about this last one.
he began by asking if anyone had ever felt abandoned, lost, alone, called to do something "by God" only to find God nowhere around ... got me. I didn't even know why my eyes were starting to water but I listened. He talked about Ruth and Naomi and the abandonment that they felt as they unwillingly entered a new phase of their lives. as I began to mull over why this was hitting me so strongly I began to realize ... it's not the church I'm mad at. sure I'm disappointed and at times very upset, but that's not the reason that it's hard for me to even open a bible these days. I'm hurt, I feel abandoned, I feel foolish. I'm mad at God. "oh my!" you may be saying ... but you couldn't possibly understand what's going on in my heart. it was wonderful to realize. so many things are clearer.
somehow I came out of that Sunday morning service with hope because God revealed my heart ... to me. he knows me so much better than I can even imagine. I couldn't even tell you why I'm posting this on the internet ... maybe because there's no one else to tell ... maybe because, for my own sanity, I need to record it somewhere before I get confused again. but there it is.
he began by asking if anyone had ever felt abandoned, lost, alone, called to do something "by God" only to find God nowhere around ... got me. I didn't even know why my eyes were starting to water but I listened. He talked about Ruth and Naomi and the abandonment that they felt as they unwillingly entered a new phase of their lives. as I began to mull over why this was hitting me so strongly I began to realize ... it's not the church I'm mad at. sure I'm disappointed and at times very upset, but that's not the reason that it's hard for me to even open a bible these days. I'm hurt, I feel abandoned, I feel foolish. I'm mad at God. "oh my!" you may be saying ... but you couldn't possibly understand what's going on in my heart. it was wonderful to realize. so many things are clearer.
somehow I came out of that Sunday morning service with hope because God revealed my heart ... to me. he knows me so much better than I can even imagine. I couldn't even tell you why I'm posting this on the internet ... maybe because there's no one else to tell ... maybe because, for my own sanity, I need to record it somewhere before I get confused again. but there it is.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
"don't tell me what I can't do!"
albums ive gotten over the past month:
Alicia Keys
Feist
Sara Barielles
A Fine Frenzy
Colbie Calleigh
Ingrid Michaelson
So wonderful...I'm free to listen to whatever I want...you wouldn't understand...
I'm not who I was and not who I will be...where does that leave me?
Alicia Keys
Feist
Sara Barielles
A Fine Frenzy
Colbie Calleigh
Ingrid Michaelson
So wonderful...I'm free to listen to whatever I want...you wouldn't understand...
I'm not who I was and not who I will be...where does that leave me?
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
(eventually)
I've awoken to find myself in transition once again...how do I let these things creep up on me I wonder?.
Today I began my journey through Anne Lamotts book entitled Grace (Eventually). Already, as is usually the case, I feel as though Anne is looking into my soul and writing about the pain and confusion that I myself feel. It's wonderful.
Today I began my journey through Anne Lamotts book entitled Grace (Eventually). Already, as is usually the case, I feel as though Anne is looking into my soul and writing about the pain and confusion that I myself feel. It's wonderful.
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