most of the time

laura's moving to Boston today.

jenny is picking me up after work and we're leaving.

it's just one of those days somehow. maybe it's because i got one of my most unfavorite haircuts yesterday. maybe it's because i have a friend leaving. maybe it's because i feel like the inside of me is corroding. i'm not sure.

i'm deeply confused about everything having to do with Christianity. it seems to be that the more i search the more lost i become. but it will be good to have people to talk with this weekend.

my heart needs a little somethin'.

alright I'm outta here. I'm dying here.

doobie da

sometimes I wish I wasn't such a girl about things. but the truth of the matter is that I am.

but I've gotta go get some sleep so I'm coherent for work in the morning. have I mentioned that I really love my job. bunches to do tomorrow. then wednesday I get to see my Jenny and Tara.

places I plan to go within the next year:
chicago numerous times
baltimore
maine
boston
texas
new york


la la la la la la life is wonderful.

boys

my sixteen year old brother was telling me this story tonight of how a girl walked up to him and said hello while he was texting on his phone. he briefly looked up and said hello then went on with his texting. the girl sighs loudly and walks away then moments later is back with a friend of hers. she then introduces herself to him. my brothers friend starts laughing about it. my brother just looked at the girls and at his friend and without even acknowledging that they had spoken says, "come on johnny, let's walk." i think my brother is funny.


plus i think i got asked out by a senior in highschool tonight. ridiculous.

the old things

i had a blast last night.


that's all i guess.

my game

it's been an interesting couple of days. it would just be really great to lay on the couch and wait for Dani to come in and scratch my head while Anna asks what's going on. but that's over, so I'm trying to adjust. turns out I'm doing a very poor job of it.


today I'm going in search of a couple things, mainly a bike.


words escape me. I will leave you with something from good ol' Henri.


"We tend to run around trying to solve the problems of our world while anxiously avoiding confrontation with that reality wherein our problems find their deepest roots: our own selves. In many ways we are like the busy man who walks up to a precious flower and says: "What for God's sake are you doing here? Can't you get busy someway?" and then finds himself unable to understand the flower's response: "I am sorry, sir, but I am just here to be beautiful."

maybe I'm sick

of all the coffee shops ...
in all the world ...
why mine?
why now?

old gypsy woman

this song is lovely.


today I'm getting certified. then I get to eat as many hot dogs as I can even handle. thank you baseball.

A House in the Distance

Silence is night
and just as there are nights
with no moon and no stars
when you're all alone
totally alone
when you're cursed
when you become a nothing
which no one needs --
so too there are silences
which are threatening
because there is nothing except the silence
Even if you open you ears
and your eyes
it keeps going on
without hope or relief.
Night with no light, no hope
I am alone
in my guilt
without forgiveness
without love.
Then, desperately, I go looking for friends
then I walk the streets searching for a body
a sign
a sound
finding nothing.
But there are also nights
with stars
with a full moon
with the light from a house in the distance
and silences which are peaceful and reflective
the noise of a sparrow
in a large empty church
when my heart wants to sing out with joy
when I feel that I'm not alone
when I'm expecting friends
or remember a couple of words
from a poem I read lately
when I love myself in a Hail Mary
or the sombre voice of a psalm when I am me
and you are you
when we aren't afraid of each other
when we leave all talk to the angel
who brought us the silence
and peace.
-H. J. M. Nouwen


I love this passage. It strikes a chord. I've been learning to take the good along with the bad. The pain along with the joy. It's all a part of my life. To try and shut out certain aspects of my experiences is to short change myself. It's a new way of life, but I'm really hating/enjoying it. I'm learning to be okay with the contradictions within me.

Thank you Kim for this book. It's beautiful.


Working for the premier purveyor of the world's best coffee has been wonderful so far. I'm headed back in today and I'm excited about that.


I'm also excited about Jenny and I's pit stop in Cinci to see Brad. And I'm excited to see Emily and Jenny.


In a lot of ways I feel like I've grown cynical this past year. But I'm okay with that. It's part of the "process" I guess. A couple months back I talked with my City Director about all the anger and frustration I feel with the world and the church and he gave me some of the most insightful things to think about. He's such a wise, tenderhearted man and I miss being under his leadership. He challenged me to not give up on the church, specifically "mega" churches. There's so much hope there. And it's good to remember things like that.


It's also good for me to remember sitting on the roof with Jenny, Dani, Brittany, Chris, Ben, Shawn, Josh. It was an incredible experience to know those people. Not to mention walking in the creek with Brad and Chris. Talking about whatever deep thing popped into our heads. It was the land of the dreamers. I miss the dreamers.


Last night I went back down to FOTV with Kelly Young. Her heart for the people she's serving is such a blessing to watch. Plus, I love seeing the face of Jesus in the people we merely hand a meal to. Listening to their stories. Getting picked on by Rich. So many times I just wanted to cry. It's good. God is good, even though it seems that there are injustices everywhere I look. I'm reminded that the way my heart breaks, and the anger I feel is only a small fraction of what's going on with God. That reminds me to keep keepin' on.


Alright. I'm done for a little bit.

crossed over

my entire family is gone right now. I'm at the house alone with my cat. bah.

and I've crossed over to the bad side.


so now I will probably pop in a movie and hang out with myself. isn't this terribley pathetic.


one of my coworkers started dating a girl a couple weeks ago. I'm not sure if I've ever been so happy for someone to get a significant other. though he was really mad that people pointed her out to me. he seemed embarrassed for me to even know about it. but I'm glad I do. lucky dog.


it's been a long week. but at least I know that I'm headed back to Chicago at the end of this month. plus I really enjoy my coworkers. one of the new ones, Ming, informed me that the Chinese symbol on my necklace means crazy. that was helpful. I guess I am crazy.


alright. done. tomorrow's busy. and tonight I will sleep like a baby.

reply

brothers

two of my brothers. clayton and michael ... they're wonderful.


my nine year old brother just sat down and picked up his video game controller and said, "I think it's time for some mindless violence or some mindless running people over with a car."

and my sixteen year old brother got me an airsoft handgun for my birthday. it's silver and apparently I'm supposed to shoot at people and things with it. he got himself a sniper rifle. somehow I feel as though I'm being set up.

here is the part where I will reveal what a nerd I am. I really enjoy JoJo's song Beautiful Girls (Reply). take that world.





and these girls I miss like mad. what a wonderful time in the woods.

just play

Keep walking, though there's no place to get to.
Don't try to see through the distances.
That's not for human beings.
Move within, but don't move the way fear makes you move.
Today, like every other day, we wake up empty and frightened.
Don't open the door to the study and begin reading.
Take down a musical instrument.


Let the beauty we love be what we do.
There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground.

- Rumi

things people say

two favorite quotes of the day


"I'm sorry you're white." - Christine


"Everything you believe is wrong." - Matt


it was an interesting day for sure. I picked up a green apron and started remembering all the things I forgot over the past year. got filled in on all the Starbucks gossip which I really could have done without. but my boss is a really incredible man and I am more than pleased to be working for him again.


but I miss them. yesterday I talked with Emily from Maine/Boston/Chicago and I always laugh when I talk with her. then I talked with Dani from Maryland and I just miss so much. this is a strange state for me to be in. I'm not comfortable here.

blue state

my friend kim gave me a link to this report on a substantial number of deaths involving acquaintances of the Clintons. weird. here it is.


there have been a number of long days recently. tomorrow I will be picking up a green apron once again. it's been a long time. hopefully I can still pump, pull and pour in a timely fashion.

dreaming

this evening I tagged along with Ashley to go with a group of people and hangout with the homeless of Columbus. it made me feel really excited. not only does this group bring food but it appears that they bring hope as well. they're helping people get jobs and housing. it was encouraging to see. I met a lot of wonderful new friends. my favorite was bob. he looks like an enormous chubby elf. he's got the sweetest spirit and gentlest eyes. and he wreaked of alcohol and urine.
my new friend steve and I are going to keep going. plus I met this incredible guy named alex who went down with us. he, ashley and I are going to be friends long into the future. the three of us started dreaming about the future and we all got so excited. it's the first time in a long time that I've seen a guy get that excited about serving Jesus by serving the poor. he just couldn't stop smiling and sometimes jumping as we talked. this time was very encouraging for me.

bloody

last night I spent an enjoyable evening at the Laughlin household. gran pammy and cj aka grandpa are here in the states from new zealand while cj is having chemo therapy. they're british so they use words like 'bloody' quite frequently. mama laughlin yelled at me for not getting my mole checked out, then told me she was glad I was back. ashley and I played with the new camera she got from uncle steve. I would really like an uncle steve. dad asked how I've been doing since I got back. gran pammy called ash, mama laughlin and I deadbeats. then ashley and I headed to the usual spot to enjoy our usual bout of serious conversation amidst bursts of laughter. then we headed back to the castle where I promptly fell asleep on some sort of mattress in paigey's room. what an enjoyable family. they told me to move in.


yesterday I finally got to see matt perform. the band doesn't really play my type of music. head banging and screaming tends to make everything inside my face want to fall out. I left that concert feeling like I should really get my lip pierced ... about four times ... and I really should cover my body in tattoos. maybe I didn't really feel like that. it was good to see matt and robby though. they're two really great guys.


this book that shawn gave me has been splendid. it's gut wrenching. I was very skeptical. woman author. but she's so raw and real and I would really like to be friends with her. here's a little nugget that made me cry in the mean bean coffee shop ...

"...the bad news is that whatever you use to keep the pain at bay robs you of the flecks and nuggets of gold that feeling grief will give you. A fixation can keep you nicely defined and give you the illusion that your life has not fallen apart. But since your life may indeed have fallen apart, the illusion won't hold up forever, and if you're lucky and brave, you will be willing to bear disillusion. You begin to cry and writhe and yell and then to keep on crying; and then, finally, grief ends up giving you the two best things: softness and illumination." - Anne Lamott from the book Traveling Mercies


it's an interesting journey. something I've realized is that I would rather sit in this pain for awhile than to continue to feel numb. I'm truly grateful to those that have been a part of getting to this place.

day 1

today I've been unpacking and reorganizing for about 6 hours. I've got an ungodly amount of possessions. literally. my 9 year old brother clayton sat on my bed and picked music for us to listen to for about 4 of those hours. he's so great.


all I've got is some skin hanging off the tip of my toe to imply that there's anything different. that makes this even harder. but I'm doing my best to embrace the questions and let the feelings soak into my soul. it's uncomfortable.


alright, time to go find ashley.

I'm a mess

well I walked into my bedroom sat down on my bed and sobbed. this isn't normal for me. the dam was broken down this past week and I'm turning into a basket case.


but on a happier note I had a wonderful time with some wonderful people last night. thank God I remember almost every second of it.


try this on for size. my roommates jenny and dani give me hugs goodbye in our doorway and then as I'm walking down the stairs they start singing our moulin rouge song. wonderful.


and I just remembered what a creep I am. google is a wonderful little invention.


seeing as how last night I got around 3 hours of "sleep" I am going to lay down and try to forget about everything going on in my brain. it's quite a jumble up there. oh I also realized how many time I used to word wonderful in this post. I'm over compensating ... deal with it.