sundays

When Jesus said that Sunday's were to be a day of rest did that imply groups of well dressed do-gooders being gathered together under one roof and wowing each other with their holiness? I don't think so. But what do I know?

Well here's what I know... most days my priorities are way screwed up. I get frustrated at things that in a day won't matter. My patience can be relatively non existent. Cynicism is usually my reality because I've found it to be accurate more often than not. Stress seems to overtake most of my thoughts making sleep hard to come by and caffeine a necessity. I'm selfish and rude and can hardly stand myself most days. This paragraph ended up very different than I had originally intended but I guess the things I know aren't very glorious. The me that has taken the place of the person I used to be isn't too great to be around. Why am I surprised that friends are few and far between ... I shouldn't be. I'm quite the pill.


What I had begun to say was that I know certain things about faith and God. The more I question the less I seem to know. But that's where faith comes in I guess. Remember Sunday school teachers and parents telling you that "faith is believing in what you can't see". (Though now I realize that they gave us a foundation to build our boogie monster theories upon.) More accurately faith is choosing to make decisions based on what you believe, whether or not there is evidence to support those beliefs. And believing in God is so much more than acknowledging that there's a higher power out there. When you believe in something your actions show that. Say for example you believe that having a healthy lifestyle is the right thing to do and yet you eat junk food and sit on your couch all day. That means you don't really believe. Same with God. If you really truly believe He exists and believe that Jesus was his son who died after introducing us to a new way of life ... well then your life will be different.

Whoever said "it's what's inside that counts" is full of it. That's a cop-out. True it matters ... but if what's supposedly inside isn't evident on the outside then isn't it pointless. Like if I truly want to love my co-workers and then treat them poorly, my good intentions are like the local news, good to know about but who really cares?

I'm a hypocrite and I know it.

Rumi

Keep walking, though there's no place to get to.
Don't try to see through the distances. That's not for human beings.
Move within, but don't move the way fear makes you move.
Today, like every other day, we wake up empty and frightened.
Don't open the door to the study and begin reading.
Take down a musical instrument.

Let the beauty we love be what we do.
There are hundreds of ways to kneel down and kiss the ground.

RUMI

selfish

"... its good to be out where others can see you, so you can't be your ghastly, spoiled self. It forces you to act slightly more elegantly, and this improves your thoughts, and thereby the world." - Anne Lamott


often I think my life would be an awful lot simpler if I lived a nomadic life. no close relationships. no home. no obligations or events stealing my time away from my own existence. these thoughts are selfish I know, but they are mine and I must own them. and the truth of the matter is that life would be easier. if the only person I had to worry about was myself I would have it made. sure I would be lonely, but I would be free. lonely and free. it's funny that I think this way, but don't we all at some point? this is probably why I enjoy Anne Lamott so much. not only is she an intriguing writer but she can't stand to be around people most of the time. good news in her story, and mine, is that the choice we make to remain with people usually pays off. sometimes in a painful "lesson learning" experience and in rare cases you realize how valued you are. it's those memories that give me hope. those memories remind me to stay, to love. and here I am writing this out because I know that I will inevitably forget and in about a month I will want to move far away from everything I know. so here it is, I need people, and whether or not they want me, I shall remain.

where'd you go

i feel like a guest who's outstayed her welcome.


sometimes i just want to get up and leave this place.

conversation

the other day I overheard a conversation being had between a coworker and a friend. they were discussing the 3 most controversial topics in American society. Sex, religion and politics. those happen to be the three topics that I enjoy engaging in the most. they are also the three topics that get me fired up, or passionate if you will. I guess one could say I'm a controversial girl.

and tomorrow I'm headed to Texas to bear witness to the joining of two lives in holy matrimony. is it just me or have weddings lost a bit of their magic?

in a way I feel as if I've had to begin a new life ... I guess I can see why those who used to be in my life are not now. in some cases it was my doing. and there were those who made the choice not to be in mine. and the remaining absentees were the plastic easter grass in my basket ... there but serving no purpose whatsoever. now they're gone. it's incredible to me how many people have walked in and out of my life over the past two or so years. sad. and I wouldn't say that I'm happy about this. quite the contrary actually. many of those people I truly enjoyed. life changes.