chuckle

just listen to the laughter.

what the hell is going on?

yesterday i got together with a good friend who knows how to ask the hard questions. i've missed that and didn't even realize it. as we talked it began to dawn on me how many things are going on that I'm not even paying attention to. maybe it's that I don't care. or maybe I'm too worn out to think about it. but it was sad to realize that I've given up my self-analization. I don't even know what's going on inside of me these days.



how does this stuff happen?



then I ran across this letter from an old friend that reminded me of another world. who that letter makes me out to be is so far from who I am now. the predictions made about my life are disappointingly wrong. it's discouraging. and daunting. that same friend once told me that he'd lost hope. me too.



I don't know how I got here ... so how do I get out?

just today for today

the other day i made one of the biggest commitments of my life. i will be taking tung soo do classes at least twice a week for the next year. i signed a one year contract. that's huge for me. it's scary for me, but we all know i have commitment phobia.


on tuesday israel asked me if i was feeling good about my life since i got back to ohio. like if i was feeling like i wasn't doing anything in comparison with what i was involved in while in chicago. good question buddy. sometimes i feel like i'm failing, but i've realized that my feelings are greatly influenced by the expectations set upon me by the american and christian culture. this time has been wonderful for several reasons, the biggest and most valuable reason is the time spent with my family. it's not what i expected at all but it's been strengthening and challenging.


also, today is my third day on the patch. and the cravings are diminishing quickly. when i told my mom that i was giving it my best shot to quit she said, "oh look at you gettin your life together!" she's so great.


now it's time for lunch with the brother we call nathan, then some alone reading time, then tung soo do! it's sparing night, which means i get to punch and kick people.


p.s. diet coke friends ... check out diet coke plus! same great flavor with additional vitamins and minerals!

this is michael ...



... and this is abe




aren't they awesome?

9 days

last night was the first tae kwon do class. laura is sore this morning. but it was so much fun and i can hardly wait till tuesday. thursday we will begin sparring i think. this is so great. they teach you a lot of korean. heart, body, mind and soul. so much hinges on respect. the culture is so different, interesting.


caught up with anna and dani yesterday which was really good. it was good to talk with people who can sympathize with some deep hurts and longings in my soul. we scratched at a scab that's been forming. we're looking for balance.

slow me down

i've been spending too much on youtube this morning. but this song is very pretty. i like it a lot.

flying

my mother just informed me that my grandmother probably won't make it through the week. just one more addition to the list of shitty situations my family has to deal with these days. it's incredible.


looks like i will be spending some time with my little brothers this afternoon. then headed to work for the evening. it's been quite the week. quite the weak.


yesterday was movie/tv day. watched the ex, tears of the sun, some special on martial arts, the news, and random other things. it was relaxing and wonderful. for awhile things were a little less hard. and papa murphys was delicious. plus i got to have breakfast with kim sadler which was nice. and barnes and noble got a visit from us.


it's a good thing i'm here. wouldn't want to miss a thing.