bloody

last night I spent an enjoyable evening at the Laughlin household. gran pammy and cj aka grandpa are here in the states from new zealand while cj is having chemo therapy. they're british so they use words like 'bloody' quite frequently. mama laughlin yelled at me for not getting my mole checked out, then told me she was glad I was back. ashley and I played with the new camera she got from uncle steve. I would really like an uncle steve. dad asked how I've been doing since I got back. gran pammy called ash, mama laughlin and I deadbeats. then ashley and I headed to the usual spot to enjoy our usual bout of serious conversation amidst bursts of laughter. then we headed back to the castle where I promptly fell asleep on some sort of mattress in paigey's room. what an enjoyable family. they told me to move in.


yesterday I finally got to see matt perform. the band doesn't really play my type of music. head banging and screaming tends to make everything inside my face want to fall out. I left that concert feeling like I should really get my lip pierced ... about four times ... and I really should cover my body in tattoos. maybe I didn't really feel like that. it was good to see matt and robby though. they're two really great guys.


this book that shawn gave me has been splendid. it's gut wrenching. I was very skeptical. woman author. but she's so raw and real and I would really like to be friends with her. here's a little nugget that made me cry in the mean bean coffee shop ...

"...the bad news is that whatever you use to keep the pain at bay robs you of the flecks and nuggets of gold that feeling grief will give you. A fixation can keep you nicely defined and give you the illusion that your life has not fallen apart. But since your life may indeed have fallen apart, the illusion won't hold up forever, and if you're lucky and brave, you will be willing to bear disillusion. You begin to cry and writhe and yell and then to keep on crying; and then, finally, grief ends up giving you the two best things: softness and illumination." - Anne Lamott from the book Traveling Mercies


it's an interesting journey. something I've realized is that I would rather sit in this pain for awhile than to continue to feel numb. I'm truly grateful to those that have been a part of getting to this place.