Rumi

Keep walking, though there's no place to get to.
Don't try to see through the distances. That's not for human beings.
Move within, but don't move the way fear makes you move.
Today, like every other day, we wake up empty and frightened.
Don't open the door to the study and begin reading.
Take down a musical instrument.

Let the beauty we love be what we do.
There are hundreds of ways to kneel down and kiss the ground.

RUMI

selfish

"... its good to be out where others can see you, so you can't be your ghastly, spoiled self. It forces you to act slightly more elegantly, and this improves your thoughts, and thereby the world." - Anne Lamott


often I think my life would be an awful lot simpler if I lived a nomadic life. no close relationships. no home. no obligations or events stealing my time away from my own existence. these thoughts are selfish I know, but they are mine and I must own them. and the truth of the matter is that life would be easier. if the only person I had to worry about was myself I would have it made. sure I would be lonely, but I would be free. lonely and free. it's funny that I think this way, but don't we all at some point? this is probably why I enjoy Anne Lamott so much. not only is she an intriguing writer but she can't stand to be around people most of the time. good news in her story, and mine, is that the choice we make to remain with people usually pays off. sometimes in a painful "lesson learning" experience and in rare cases you realize how valued you are. it's those memories that give me hope. those memories remind me to stay, to love. and here I am writing this out because I know that I will inevitably forget and in about a month I will want to move far away from everything I know. so here it is, I need people, and whether or not they want me, I shall remain.

where'd you go

i feel like a guest who's outstayed her welcome.


sometimes i just want to get up and leave this place.

conversation

the other day I overheard a conversation being had between a coworker and a friend. they were discussing the 3 most controversial topics in American society. Sex, religion and politics. those happen to be the three topics that I enjoy engaging in the most. they are also the three topics that get me fired up, or passionate if you will. I guess one could say I'm a controversial girl.

and tomorrow I'm headed to Texas to bear witness to the joining of two lives in holy matrimony. is it just me or have weddings lost a bit of their magic?

in a way I feel as if I've had to begin a new life ... I guess I can see why those who used to be in my life are not now. in some cases it was my doing. and there were those who made the choice not to be in mine. and the remaining absentees were the plastic easter grass in my basket ... there but serving no purpose whatsoever. now they're gone. it's incredible to me how many people have walked in and out of my life over the past two or so years. sad. and I wouldn't say that I'm happy about this. quite the contrary actually. many of those people I truly enjoyed. life changes.

jesus land

started this book ... it's good ... julia scheeres says this,

"...sometimes I think that I'd rather have less suffering now, even if it meant less glory in Heaven."

that's something I feel from time to time. what if this stuff made a little bit more sense? sometimes I get so frustrated with the whole concept of religion. I don't understand. I believe God exists. I believe Jesus was his son, lived a sinless life and died so that I wouldn't have to go to hell. Beyond those things tho ... who knows.

this weekend I witnessed "Christians" that made me more uncomfortable than I can remember ever being. funny thing is, after leaving them and joining up with those who could be called "once a year churchgoers", I saw more of what I believe to be "Christian" morals or standards or what have you, than with those who claim to be giving up all for Christ. what does this mean?

productive

so far this morning I have finally gotten away from the endless ordeal known as "canceling my phone service with sprint". this has been going on since the middle of december when I switched to at&t. ridiculous. i've never spoken to more uninformed humans in my life. every question i posed had to be passed on to someone else who was sure to have the answer. my irritation level had to be showing in the last couple of calls that the sprint service team and i had.

my taxes are finally done ... or at least the federal side of things are getting in the mail today. taxes are something that I don't understand. why can't it be taken out correctly the first time. and i think i should get to see exactly where my tax dollars go. have i helped to repair a road, or have i helped to cover up a government officials sex scandal. i'm just interested is all i'm saying.

and i'm forgetting to vote today. my motivation is very low ... maybe it's the weather or perhaps my impatience. but do not worry ... i will be voting in november like the responsible u.s. citizen that i am.

drug lord

between adam and I we've been sick for two weeks straight. I've taken more drugs in the past couple weeks than probably in the past year. Sickness is annoying. And it's crazy to be reminded how out of control we are. I took so many pills that were supposed to guard my immune system from being attacked ... and yet I ended up sick. Don't we all at times believe that we control our own destinies? I know I fall into that more often than not. But it is no more true than professional wrestling.