drug lord

between adam and I we've been sick for two weeks straight. I've taken more drugs in the past couple weeks than probably in the past year. Sickness is annoying. And it's crazy to be reminded how out of control we are. I took so many pills that were supposed to guard my immune system from being attacked ... and yet I ended up sick. Don't we all at times believe that we control our own destinies? I know I fall into that more often than not. But it is no more true than professional wrestling.

if you are who you say you are

this past Sunday I heard the first sermon in probably 6 months thats really spoken to me. sure there have been wise words and witty rhetoric from many that I've heard ... but there was something a little shattering about this last one.

he began by asking if anyone had ever felt abandoned, lost, alone, called to do something "by God" only to find God nowhere around ... got me. I didn't even know why my eyes were starting to water but I listened. He talked about Ruth and Naomi and the abandonment that they felt as they unwillingly entered a new phase of their lives. as I began to mull over why this was hitting me so strongly I began to realize ... it's not the church I'm mad at. sure I'm disappointed and at times very upset, but that's not the reason that it's hard for me to even open a bible these days. I'm hurt, I feel abandoned, I feel foolish. I'm mad at God. "oh my!" you may be saying ... but you couldn't possibly understand what's going on in my heart. it was wonderful to realize. so many things are clearer.

somehow I came out of that Sunday morning service with hope because God revealed my heart ... to me. he knows me so much better than I can even imagine. I couldn't even tell you why I'm posting this on the internet ... maybe because there's no one else to tell ... maybe because, for my own sanity, I need to record it somewhere before I get confused again. but there it is.

"don't tell me what I can't do!"

albums ive gotten over the past month:

Alicia Keys
Feist
Sara Barielles
A Fine Frenzy
Colbie Calleigh
Ingrid Michaelson

So wonderful...I'm free to listen to whatever I want...you wouldn't understand...

I'm not who I was and not who I will be...where does that leave me?

(eventually)

I've awoken to find myself in transition once again...how do I let these things creep up on me I wonder?.

Today I began my journey through Anne Lamotts book entitled Grace (Eventually). Already, as is usually the case, I feel as though Anne is looking into my soul and writing about the pain and confusion that I myself feel. It's wonderful.

mo joe lounge

I've just been sitting here reading the paper, it reminded me of what a mess the world is.


Reality check gang, the world doesn't revolve around us.

stumbling around at a disco

let me share this,

"I'd like to repeat the advice I gave you before, in that I think you really should make a radicaal change in your lifestyle and begin to boldly do things which you may previously never have thought of doing, or been to hesitant to attempt. So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man's living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun." - Christopher McCandless from the book Into The Wild

this was a delightful little nugget to stumble across.


I've been incredibley blessed, and realized this even more today as I sat talking with a good friend over coffee. God is good. though I'm confused about much of the spiritual realm I find myself in, I can say that God is good, because he is. I've learned so much about being real over the past couple of months.

plus I've got a few awesome friends. a wonderful famiy. I'm truly blessed because the people in my life have been soooo patient with me recently. and honestly ... something is coming back to life inside of me. and it's wonderful.

it's all gonna change

yesterday i started realizing that i'm gonna be okay. i was starting to give up hope but as i look around myself i'm noticing that God's not gonna let me go ... whatever that means. it's okay that i question ... as long as i keep looking for answers. plus ... i don't need all the answers in order to discuss what i know deep in my soul to be true. it's good for me to realize this.


i received a voicemail from ashley saying, "listen to what's on the radio!" --- she knows me so well. lovin it.


work ... it's like the 11th day in a row or something.