maybe I'm sick

of all the coffee shops ...
in all the world ...
why mine?
why now?

old gypsy woman

this song is lovely.


today I'm getting certified. then I get to eat as many hot dogs as I can even handle. thank you baseball.

A House in the Distance

Silence is night
and just as there are nights
with no moon and no stars
when you're all alone
totally alone
when you're cursed
when you become a nothing
which no one needs --
so too there are silences
which are threatening
because there is nothing except the silence
Even if you open you ears
and your eyes
it keeps going on
without hope or relief.
Night with no light, no hope
I am alone
in my guilt
without forgiveness
without love.
Then, desperately, I go looking for friends
then I walk the streets searching for a body
a sign
a sound
finding nothing.
But there are also nights
with stars
with a full moon
with the light from a house in the distance
and silences which are peaceful and reflective
the noise of a sparrow
in a large empty church
when my heart wants to sing out with joy
when I feel that I'm not alone
when I'm expecting friends
or remember a couple of words
from a poem I read lately
when I love myself in a Hail Mary
or the sombre voice of a psalm when I am me
and you are you
when we aren't afraid of each other
when we leave all talk to the angel
who brought us the silence
and peace.
-H. J. M. Nouwen


I love this passage. It strikes a chord. I've been learning to take the good along with the bad. The pain along with the joy. It's all a part of my life. To try and shut out certain aspects of my experiences is to short change myself. It's a new way of life, but I'm really hating/enjoying it. I'm learning to be okay with the contradictions within me.

Thank you Kim for this book. It's beautiful.


Working for the premier purveyor of the world's best coffee has been wonderful so far. I'm headed back in today and I'm excited about that.


I'm also excited about Jenny and I's pit stop in Cinci to see Brad. And I'm excited to see Emily and Jenny.


In a lot of ways I feel like I've grown cynical this past year. But I'm okay with that. It's part of the "process" I guess. A couple months back I talked with my City Director about all the anger and frustration I feel with the world and the church and he gave me some of the most insightful things to think about. He's such a wise, tenderhearted man and I miss being under his leadership. He challenged me to not give up on the church, specifically "mega" churches. There's so much hope there. And it's good to remember things like that.


It's also good for me to remember sitting on the roof with Jenny, Dani, Brittany, Chris, Ben, Shawn, Josh. It was an incredible experience to know those people. Not to mention walking in the creek with Brad and Chris. Talking about whatever deep thing popped into our heads. It was the land of the dreamers. I miss the dreamers.


Last night I went back down to FOTV with Kelly Young. Her heart for the people she's serving is such a blessing to watch. Plus, I love seeing the face of Jesus in the people we merely hand a meal to. Listening to their stories. Getting picked on by Rich. So many times I just wanted to cry. It's good. God is good, even though it seems that there are injustices everywhere I look. I'm reminded that the way my heart breaks, and the anger I feel is only a small fraction of what's going on with God. That reminds me to keep keepin' on.


Alright. I'm done for a little bit.

crossed over

my entire family is gone right now. I'm at the house alone with my cat. bah.

and I've crossed over to the bad side.


so now I will probably pop in a movie and hang out with myself. isn't this terribley pathetic.


one of my coworkers started dating a girl a couple weeks ago. I'm not sure if I've ever been so happy for someone to get a significant other. though he was really mad that people pointed her out to me. he seemed embarrassed for me to even know about it. but I'm glad I do. lucky dog.


it's been a long week. but at least I know that I'm headed back to Chicago at the end of this month. plus I really enjoy my coworkers. one of the new ones, Ming, informed me that the Chinese symbol on my necklace means crazy. that was helpful. I guess I am crazy.


alright. done. tomorrow's busy. and tonight I will sleep like a baby.

reply

brothers

two of my brothers. clayton and michael ... they're wonderful.


my nine year old brother just sat down and picked up his video game controller and said, "I think it's time for some mindless violence or some mindless running people over with a car."

and my sixteen year old brother got me an airsoft handgun for my birthday. it's silver and apparently I'm supposed to shoot at people and things with it. he got himself a sniper rifle. somehow I feel as though I'm being set up.

here is the part where I will reveal what a nerd I am. I really enjoy JoJo's song Beautiful Girls (Reply). take that world.





and these girls I miss like mad. what a wonderful time in the woods.

just play

Keep walking, though there's no place to get to.
Don't try to see through the distances.
That's not for human beings.
Move within, but don't move the way fear makes you move.
Today, like every other day, we wake up empty and frightened.
Don't open the door to the study and begin reading.
Take down a musical instrument.


Let the beauty we love be what we do.
There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground.

- Rumi