things people say

two favorite quotes of the day


"I'm sorry you're white." - Christine


"Everything you believe is wrong." - Matt


it was an interesting day for sure. I picked up a green apron and started remembering all the things I forgot over the past year. got filled in on all the Starbucks gossip which I really could have done without. but my boss is a really incredible man and I am more than pleased to be working for him again.


but I miss them. yesterday I talked with Emily from Maine/Boston/Chicago and I always laugh when I talk with her. then I talked with Dani from Maryland and I just miss so much. this is a strange state for me to be in. I'm not comfortable here.

blue state

my friend kim gave me a link to this report on a substantial number of deaths involving acquaintances of the Clintons. weird. here it is.


there have been a number of long days recently. tomorrow I will be picking up a green apron once again. it's been a long time. hopefully I can still pump, pull and pour in a timely fashion.

dreaming

this evening I tagged along with Ashley to go with a group of people and hangout with the homeless of Columbus. it made me feel really excited. not only does this group bring food but it appears that they bring hope as well. they're helping people get jobs and housing. it was encouraging to see. I met a lot of wonderful new friends. my favorite was bob. he looks like an enormous chubby elf. he's got the sweetest spirit and gentlest eyes. and he wreaked of alcohol and urine.
my new friend steve and I are going to keep going. plus I met this incredible guy named alex who went down with us. he, ashley and I are going to be friends long into the future. the three of us started dreaming about the future and we all got so excited. it's the first time in a long time that I've seen a guy get that excited about serving Jesus by serving the poor. he just couldn't stop smiling and sometimes jumping as we talked. this time was very encouraging for me.

bloody

last night I spent an enjoyable evening at the Laughlin household. gran pammy and cj aka grandpa are here in the states from new zealand while cj is having chemo therapy. they're british so they use words like 'bloody' quite frequently. mama laughlin yelled at me for not getting my mole checked out, then told me she was glad I was back. ashley and I played with the new camera she got from uncle steve. I would really like an uncle steve. dad asked how I've been doing since I got back. gran pammy called ash, mama laughlin and I deadbeats. then ashley and I headed to the usual spot to enjoy our usual bout of serious conversation amidst bursts of laughter. then we headed back to the castle where I promptly fell asleep on some sort of mattress in paigey's room. what an enjoyable family. they told me to move in.


yesterday I finally got to see matt perform. the band doesn't really play my type of music. head banging and screaming tends to make everything inside my face want to fall out. I left that concert feeling like I should really get my lip pierced ... about four times ... and I really should cover my body in tattoos. maybe I didn't really feel like that. it was good to see matt and robby though. they're two really great guys.


this book that shawn gave me has been splendid. it's gut wrenching. I was very skeptical. woman author. but she's so raw and real and I would really like to be friends with her. here's a little nugget that made me cry in the mean bean coffee shop ...

"...the bad news is that whatever you use to keep the pain at bay robs you of the flecks and nuggets of gold that feeling grief will give you. A fixation can keep you nicely defined and give you the illusion that your life has not fallen apart. But since your life may indeed have fallen apart, the illusion won't hold up forever, and if you're lucky and brave, you will be willing to bear disillusion. You begin to cry and writhe and yell and then to keep on crying; and then, finally, grief ends up giving you the two best things: softness and illumination." - Anne Lamott from the book Traveling Mercies


it's an interesting journey. something I've realized is that I would rather sit in this pain for awhile than to continue to feel numb. I'm truly grateful to those that have been a part of getting to this place.

day 1

today I've been unpacking and reorganizing for about 6 hours. I've got an ungodly amount of possessions. literally. my 9 year old brother clayton sat on my bed and picked music for us to listen to for about 4 of those hours. he's so great.


all I've got is some skin hanging off the tip of my toe to imply that there's anything different. that makes this even harder. but I'm doing my best to embrace the questions and let the feelings soak into my soul. it's uncomfortable.


alright, time to go find ashley.

I'm a mess

well I walked into my bedroom sat down on my bed and sobbed. this isn't normal for me. the dam was broken down this past week and I'm turning into a basket case.


but on a happier note I had a wonderful time with some wonderful people last night. thank God I remember almost every second of it.


try this on for size. my roommates jenny and dani give me hugs goodbye in our doorway and then as I'm walking down the stairs they start singing our moulin rouge song. wonderful.


and I just remembered what a creep I am. google is a wonderful little invention.


seeing as how last night I got around 3 hours of "sleep" I am going to lay down and try to forget about everything going on in my brain. it's quite a jumble up there. oh I also realized how many time I used to word wonderful in this post. I'm over compensating ... deal with it.