take a ponder

the old days

2008-08-25T19:15:00.002-05:00

I miss the days when old friends and I laughed until our stomachs hurt. I miss the times when everything we did was an adventure. Spontaneous was our middle name. We would laugh and talk about a deeper more meaningful life. Every topic led to a conversation about the reason we live and breathe. I miss that.

Life has taken me for a spin over the past year. Nothing is how it was. No one has remained the same. Not even me. Hardly anyone in my life was here a year ago. There are new friends, new hobbies. Hardly anything has remained the same. Part of this is good ... but there are definitely draw backs. A lot of people have walked out of my life ... which means not many people have known me longer than a year so they don't know where I've come from or who I was. Plus it's affected me on a psychological level as well. My faith in people is slowly diminishing. It's becoming harder and harder for me to love people on a genuine level because so many people that I loved have walked out of my life as if I never meant a thing to them. All through my life I've heard that love from humans can never be unconditional but I had hope that some ... even a few people ... would love me despite my flaws ... this hope I have found is fruitless, pointless even. People love who they want you to be and as soon as you fail to live up to their unrealistic expectations you might as well rest your head on the chopping block.

Alrighty I'm done bitching ... I'm tired ... I'm old ... and I'm starting school tomorrow ... oh how I miss the old days.

happiness

2008-08-12T20:10:00.002-05:00

"Don't seek happiness. If you seek it, you won't find it, because seeking is the antithesis of happiness. Happiness is ever elusive, but freedom from unhappiness is attainable now, by facing what is rather than making up stories about it. Unhappiness covers up your natural state of well-being and inner peace, the source of true happiness." - Eckhart Tolle

We, as Americans, spend a enormous amount of time and even more money seeking happiness. How often do we actually find it when the pursuit of it consumes us? Hardly ever. If at all. Don't we more often than not find a glimmer of happiness in a smile from a complete stranger, bumping into an old friend, a sunset, a cool breeze drenched with the scent of freshly cut grass? Well I sure think so.

A church I once attended had an overused slogan that they threw into scads of sermons and motivational talks. "Let go and let God." The first time I heard it I'm sure it hit home. Maybe I was in the middle of some painful experience and at the time it made perfect sense. I don't like it so much anymore. But there's a part of it that hits on a much deeper issue than I think the creators of that phrase even realized. Those in religious and spiritual circles need to let go of so much. Too often I think we're seeking perfection, a sense of higher moral integrity than others. But if we spend too much time trying to attain it we stop loving. Stop loving God, stop loving people and even ourselves. How can we ever become ourselves?

Just let go.

formless

2008-08-10T13:59:00.002-05:00

"When there is nothing to identify with anymore, who are you? When forms around you die or death approaches, your sense of Beingness, of I Am, is freed from its entanglement with form: Spirit is released from its imprisonment in matter. You realize your essential identity as formless, as an all-pervasive Presence, of Bring prior to all forms, all identifications. You realize your true identity as consciousness itself, rather than what consciousness had identified with. That's the peace of God. The ultimate truth of who you are is not I am this or I am that, but I Am." - Eckhart Tolle A New Earth

Unconsciously we identify ourselves with so many different labels. They give us our identity. I'm a woman for example. It's a fact that my physical appearance is that of a female. But that's not who I am. Not on a soul level anyways. These labels can often hinder our ability to live truly full lives. If on a deep level I let my relationships define me then I end up altering, ever so slightly, my personality around different people. Then I am held captive to the person that I have created. Interesting. I'm not sure if I'm even making that much sense. Just check out this book. It touches on the ego, uncomfortable at times, but if you're ready I think it has the ability to change things.

it's been awhile ...

2008-08-08T11:01:00.002-05:00

I've been getting into the writing mood again. maybe it's the change in the weather ... I can taste fall in the air. Autumn has a way of making me a philosopher ... even if just for a short time. although I will admit I hardly ever have anything of real significance to say, my thoughts are deeper. things seem clearer. individuals come alive as books to be read ... novels to be explored.

the other day I had an encounter that broke my heart and made me realize how little I know about the pain that people feel. it was a simple question, though thinking back I may have put a little too much emotion into it. I simply asked a woman how she was doing. she seemed down and out which was a dramatic change from the usual pep in her step. the response I got knocked me over. she looked at me with tears welling in her eyes and told me that the funeral was over. not in a million years had I expected that sort of a response. she then began to tell me that it had been so much harder than she thought to bury her father. as tears began rolling down her cheeks I found that I could not contain the ones that had been on the brim of my eyelids. her heart was broken. mine broke for her. I had asked a simple question expecting a simple response and what I was met with connected me into her world of fear and loneliness. I found that I had nothing to say ... a few words stumbled out of my mouth ... I think I told her she was a strong woman. more tears came. I wish there was something more I could have done ... but I'm not quick enough or perhaps I'm not brave enough.

cup o' mojo

2008-05-17T16:01:00.002-05:00

"Life at its very best is a passionate experience, not a doctoral dissertation. The problem is not that Christianity can't be believed, but that it can't be practiced because of its lack of lived experience. And it can't be observed by others because there are too few Christians who are radical enough to manifest what the gospel really looks like." - Leonard Sweet from The Gospel According to Starbucks

I have a sneaky feeling that I am going to like this book a lot. My coworker suggested it to me the other day. She said it isn't so much about religion as it is about spirituality. Right up my alley. Religion turns me off. In fact I kinda get a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach when I think about it. But spirituality is something that still has the ability to excite me. And yes I do believe there's a difference.

So far what Leonard Sweet is saying is that there are few who are really inhabiting the intended role of 'Christians'. I echo that sentiment my friend.

Oh Starbucks, who woulda thought that you would show me more of what it means to live like Christ than the American church?

is it 'go time'?

2008-05-15T19:40:00.003-05:00

today at work I overheard my coworker in a conversation with a customer about picking up and relocating for a year. this is a subject I know about so I joined in. this woman felt like she had no tie to anything in her life, nothing keeping her here. dome mentioned my move to chicago after she told about her move to tucson. then I joined in with all the positive things about leaving where you are and going somewhere new. in a way I was speaking to this random lady ... in another way I felt like I was talking to myself...

the only question is ... where?

and when I get there ... can I dance?

sundays

2008-04-27T09:06:00.003-05:00

When Jesus said that Sunday's were to be a day of rest did that imply groups of well dressed do-gooders being gathered together under one roof and wowing each other with their holiness? I don't think so. But what do I know?

Well here's what I know... most days my priorities are way screwed up. I get frustrated at things that in a day won't matter. My patience can be relatively non existent. Cynicism is usually my reality because I've found it to be accurate more often than not. Stress seems to overtake most of my thoughts making sleep hard to come by and caffeine a necessity. I'm selfish and rude and can hardly stand myself most days. This paragraph ended up very different than I had originally intended but I guess the things I know aren't very glorious. The me that has taken the place of the person I used to be isn't too great to be around. Why am I surprised that friends are few and far between ... I shouldn't be. I'm quite the pill.

What I had begun to say was that I know certain things about faith and God. The more I question the less I seem to know. But that's where faith comes in I guess. Remember Sunday school teachers and parents telling you that "faith is believing in what you can't see". (Though now I realize that they gave us a foundation to build our boogie monster theories upon.) More accurately faith is choosing to make decisions based on what you believe, whether or not there is evidence to support those beliefs. And believing in God is so much more than acknowledging that there's a higher power out there. When you believe in something your actions show that. Say for example you believe that having a healthy lifestyle is the right thing to do and yet you eat junk food and sit on your couch all day. That means you don't really believe. Same with God. If you really truly believe He exists and believe that Jesus was his son who died after introducing us to a new way of life ... well then your life will be different.

Whoever said "it's what's inside that counts" is full of it. That's a cop-out. True it matters ... but if what's supposedly inside isn't evident on the outside then isn't it pointless. Like if I truly want to love my co-workers and then treat them poorly, my good intentions are like the local news, good to know about but who really cares?

I'm a hypocrite and I know it.

Rumi

2008-04-26T16:42:00.002-05:00

Keep walking, though there's no place to get to.
Don't try to see through the distances. That's not for human beings.
Move within, but don't move the way fear makes you move.
Today, like every other day, we wake up empty and frightened.
Don't open the door to the study and begin reading.
Take down a musical instrument.

Let the beauty we love be what we do.
There are hundreds of ways to kneel down and kiss the ground.

RUMI

selfish

2008-04-20T18:20:00.003-05:00

"... its good to be out where others can see you, so you can't be your ghastly, spoiled self. It forces you to act slightly more elegantly, and this improves your thoughts, and thereby the world." - Anne Lamott

often I think my life would be an awful lot simpler if I lived a nomadic life. no close relationships. no home. no obligations or events stealing my time away from my own existence. these thoughts are selfish I know, but they are mine and I must own them. and the truth of the matter is that life would be easier. if the only person I had to worry about was myself I would have it made. sure I would be lonely, but I would be free. lonely and free. it's funny that I think this way, but don't we all at some point? this is probably why I enjoy Anne Lamott so much. not only is she an intriguing writer but she can't stand to be around people most of the time. good news in her story, and mine, is that the choice we make to remain with people usually pays off. sometimes in a painful "lesson learning" experience and in rare cases you realize how valued you are. it's those memories that give me hope. those memories remind me to stay, to love. and here I am writing this out because I know that I will inevitably forget and in about a month I will want to move far away from everything I know. so here it is, I need people, and whether or not they want me, I shall remain.

where'd you go

2008-04-15T20:04:00.004-05:00

i feel like a guest who's outstayed her welcome.

sometimes i just want to get up and leave this place.

conversation

2008-04-03T18:15:00.002-05:00

the other day I overheard a conversation being had between a coworker and a friend. they were discussing the 3 most controversial topics in American society. Sex, religion and politics. those happen to be the three topics that I enjoy engaging in the most. they are also the three topics that get me fired up, or passionate if you will. I guess one could say I'm a controversial girl.

and tomorrow I'm headed to Texas to bear witness to the joining of two lives in holy matrimony. is it just me or have weddings lost a bit of their magic?

in a way I feel as if I've had to begin a new life ... I guess I can see why those who used to be in my life are not now. in some cases it was my doing. and there were those who made the choice not to be in mine. and the remaining absentees were the plastic easter grass in my basket ... there but serving no purpose whatsoever. now they're gone. it's incredible to me how many people have walked in and out of my life over the past two or so years. sad. and I wouldn't say that I'm happy about this. quite the contrary actually. many of those people I truly enjoyed. life changes.

jesus land

2008-03-24T12:53:00.002-05:00

started this book ... it's good ... julia scheeres says this,

"...sometimes I think that I'd rather have less suffering now, even if it meant less glory in Heaven."

that's something I feel from time to time. what if this stuff made a little bit more sense? sometimes I get so frustrated with the whole concept of religion. I don't understand. I believe God exists. I believe Jesus was his son, lived a sinless life and died so that I wouldn't have to go to hell. Beyond those things tho ... who knows.

this weekend I witnessed "Christians" that made me more uncomfortable than I can remember ever being. funny thing is, after leaving them and joining up with those who could be called "once a year churchgoers", I saw more of what I believe to be "Christian" morals or standards or what have you, than with those who claim to be giving up all for Christ. what does this mean?

productive

2008-03-04T13:28:00.002-06:00

so far this morning I have finally gotten away from the endless ordeal known as "canceling my phone service with sprint". this has been going on since the middle of december when I switched to at&t. ridiculous. i've never spoken to more uninformed humans in my life. every question i posed had to be passed on to someone else who was sure to have the answer. my irritation level had to be showing in the last couple of calls that the sprint service team and i had.

my taxes are finally done ... or at least the federal side of things are getting in the mail today. taxes are something that I don't understand. why can't it be taken out correctly the first time. and i think i should get to see exactly where my tax dollars go. have i helped to repair a road, or have i helped to cover up a government officials sex scandal. i'm just interested is all i'm saying.

and i'm forgetting to vote today. my motivation is very low ... maybe it's the weather or perhaps my impatience. but do not worry ... i will be voting in november like the responsible u.s. citizen that i am.

drug lord

2008-02-28T12:26:00.003-06:00

between adam and I we've been sick for two weeks straight. I've taken more drugs in the past couple weeks than probably in the past year. Sickness is annoying. And it's crazy to be reminded how out of control we are. I took so many pills that were supposed to guard my immune system from being attacked ... and yet I ended up sick. Don't we all at times believe that we control our own destinies? I know I fall into that more often than not. But it is no more true than professional wrestling.

if you are who you say you are

2008-02-20T21:42:00.003-06:00

this past Sunday I heard the first sermon in probably 6 months thats really spoken to me. sure there have been wise words and witty rhetoric from many that I've heard ... but there was something a little shattering about this last one.

he began by asking if anyone had ever felt abandoned, lost, alone, called to do something "by God" only to find God nowhere around ... got me. I didn't even know why my eyes were starting to water but I listened. He talked about Ruth and Naomi and the abandonment that they felt as they unwillingly entered a new phase of their lives. as I began to mull over why this was hitting me so strongly I began to realize ... it's not the church I'm mad at. sure I'm disappointed and at times very upset, but that's not the reason that it's hard for me to even open a bible these days. I'm hurt, I feel abandoned, I feel foolish. I'm mad at God. "oh my!" you may be saying ... but you couldn't possibly understand what's going on in my heart. it was wonderful to realize. so many things are clearer.

somehow I came out of that Sunday morning service with hope because God revealed my heart ... to me. he knows me so much better than I can even imagine. I couldn't even tell you why I'm posting this on the internet ... maybe because there's no one else to tell ... maybe because, for my own sanity, I need to record it somewhere before I get confused again. but there it is.

"don't tell me what I can't do!"

2008-01-30T14:32:00.000-06:00

albums ive gotten over the past month:

Alicia Keys
Feist
Sara Barielles
A Fine Frenzy
Colbie Calleigh
Ingrid Michaelson

So wonderful...I'm free to listen to whatever I want...you wouldn't understand...

I'm not who I was and not who I will be...where does that leave me?

(eventually)

2008-01-16T14:14:00.001-06:00

I've awoken to find myself in transition once again...how do I let these things creep up on me I wonder?.

Today I began my journey through Anne Lamotts book entitled Grace (Eventually). Already, as is usually the case, I feel as though Anne is looking into my soul and writing about the pain and confusion that I myself feel. It's wonderful.

mo joe lounge

2007-12-20T17:42:00.000-06:00

I've just been sitting here reading the paper, it reminded me of what a mess the world is.

Reality check gang, the world doesn't revolve around us.

stumbling around at a disco

2007-12-13T16:44:00.001-06:00

let me share this,

"I'd like to repeat the advice I gave you before, in that I think you really should make a radicaal change in your lifestyle and begin to boldly do things which you may previously never have thought of doing, or been to hesitant to attempt. So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man's living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun." - Christopher McCandless from the book Into The Wild

this was a delightful little nugget to stumble across.

I've been incredibley blessed, and realized this even more today as I sat talking with a good friend over coffee. God is good. though I'm confused about much of the spiritual realm I find myself in, I can say that God is good, because he is. I've learned so much about being real over the past couple of months.

plus I've got a few awesome friends. a wonderful famiy. I'm truly blessed because the people in my life have been soooo patient with me recently. and honestly ... something is coming back to life inside of me. and it's wonderful.

it's all gonna change

2007-12-08T04:08:00.001-06:00

yesterday i started realizing that i'm gonna be okay. i was starting to give up hope but as i look around myself i'm noticing that God's not gonna let me go ... whatever that means. it's okay that i question ... as long as i keep looking for answers. plus ... i don't need all the answers in order to discuss what i know deep in my soul to be true. it's good for me to realize this.

i received a voicemail from ashley saying, "listen to what's on the radio!" --- she knows me so well. lovin it.

work ... it's like the 11th day in a row or something.

chuckle

2007-11-24T07:10:00.000-06:00

just listen to the laughter.

what the hell is going on?

2007-11-17T10:45:00.000-06:00

yesterday i got together with a good friend who knows how to ask the hard questions. i've missed that and didn't even realize it. as we talked it began to dawn on me how many things are going on that I'm not even paying attention to. maybe it's that I don't care. or maybe I'm too worn out to think about it. but it was sad to realize that I've given up my self-analization. I don't even know what's going on inside of me these days.

how does this stuff happen?

then I ran across this letter from an old friend that reminded me of another world. who that letter makes me out to be is so far from who I am now. the predictions made about my life are disappointingly wrong. it's discouraging. and daunting. that same friend once told me that he'd lost hope. me too.

I don't know how I got here ... so how do I get out?

just today for today

2007-10-25T10:20:00.000-05:00

the other day i made one of the biggest commitments of my life. i will be taking tung soo do classes at least twice a week for the next year. i signed a one year contract. that's huge for me. it's scary for me, but we all know i have commitment phobia.

on tuesday israel asked me if i was feeling good about my life since i got back to ohio. like if i was feeling like i wasn't doing anything in comparison with what i was involved in while in chicago. good question buddy. sometimes i feel like i'm failing, but i've realized that my feelings are greatly influenced by the expectations set upon me by the american and christian culture. this time has been wonderful for several reasons, the biggest and most valuable reason is the time spent with my family. it's not what i expected at all but it's been strengthening and challenging.

also, today is my third day on the patch. and the cravings are diminishing quickly. when i told my mom that i was giving it my best shot to quit she said, "oh look at you gettin your life together!" she's so great.

now it's time for lunch with the brother we call nathan, then some alone reading time, then tung soo do! it's sparing night, which means i get to punch and kick people.

p.s. diet coke friends ... check out diet coke plus! same great flavor with additional vitamins and minerals!

2007-10-23T14:34:00.000-05:00

this is michael ...

... and this is abe

aren't they awesome?

9 days

2007-10-12T10:04:00.001-05:00

last night was the first tae kwon do class. laura is sore this morning. but it was so much fun and i can hardly wait till tuesday. thursday we will begin sparring i think. this is so great. they teach you a lot of korean. heart, body, mind and soul. so much hinges on respect. the culture is so different, interesting.

caught up with anna and dani yesterday which was really good. it was good to talk with people who can sympathize with some deep hurts and longings in my soul. we scratched at a scab that's been forming. we're looking for balance.

slow me down

2007-10-08T08:50:00.001-05:00

i've been spending too much on youtube this morning. but this song is very pretty. i like it a lot.

flying

2007-10-08T08:04:00.000-05:00

my mother just informed me that my grandmother probably won't make it through the week. just one more addition to the list of shitty situations my family has to deal with these days. it's incredible.

looks like i will be spending some time with my little brothers this afternoon. then headed to work for the evening. it's been quite the week. quite the weak.

yesterday was movie/tv day. watched the ex, tears of the sun, some special on martial arts, the news, and random other things. it was relaxing and wonderful. for awhile things were a little less hard. and papa murphys was delicious. plus i got to have breakfast with kim sadler which was nice. and barnes and noble got a visit from us.

it's a good thing i'm here. wouldn't want to miss a thing.

so great

2007-10-07T10:54:00.000-05:00

this song is great. they're coming in concert ... wanna go? me too!

this week has proven to me that complete opposite emotions can exist within me simultaneously. as i look back at this week it's been absolutely wonderful, and absolutely horrible. that's strange to me, but it is what it is.

now it's time for more greatness ... then later for some sadness. life is crazy.

bubbly

2007-10-04T16:03:00.000-05:00

it's time for some serious family time.

it's like a movie.

i'm not who i thought i was

2007-10-03T09:00:00.000-05:00

last night i was realizing that i'm not the person i was a year ago. not at all. and i'm absolutely okay with that. most times i'm a walking contradiction but aren't we all. i truly enjoy being with my family. thick and thin. there are fewer people in my life and i'm okay with that. there's more meaning here now.

while at work yesterday i got into one of those when-other-people-laugh-i-can't-help-laughing-too moods. it was wonderful. israel started fake laughing just to see me start laughing again.

this is probably the best sentence i've heard this week. the other night i went into work after a huge family upset so i was slightly emotional. after i'd talked about it with my co-worker i stared out at the pouring rain and complained about how the weather wasn't helping my emotional state. my co-worker and friend turned to me and said, "laura, God wants it to rain, because then everything can come back and be so much more beautiful." needless to say i started crying again. there are some of the most wonderful people employed by starbucks.

hangin out with the bros today ... then ... we'll see! !!!! ! !! <--- those are explanation points.

scrrrratch

2007-10-02T08:00:00.000-05:00

last night I remembered that I like a little billiards action. that to say, if anyone wants to play, I'm down.

sick of it

2007-10-01T12:50:00.001-05:00

here are some things I'm sick of:

1. people who think the world revols around them
2. married men who don't wear wedding rings and don't act married
3. lying as a form of communication
4. coffee and headaches
5. my family getting hurt
6. the idea that going to church somehow makes you superior to others
7. stomachaches
8. having no control over anything in my life

here's what I don't get. how can you lie to people (and by lie I mean, telling a falsehood or leaving out important pieces of information) and then claim to love them? how can you be willing to leave a person forever and yet apologize for hurting them. evidentally you don't care all that much. how can you wish ill will (even death) on another human being. I haven't been truly angry in a while. though I don't like it, I'm sick of all this shit. how can you be so insensitive and hurt people deliberately over and over again?

this is how I'm venting. rather than other things I could be doing.

good thing it's monday.

workin till close. baaaahhuuuumbuuuug

ilike

2007-09-29T08:13:00.000-05:00

planning on getting the itouch real sooooon. just need to get that stupid perks card.

ashley's coming. and for that i'm very happy.

it's an epidemic. so many people that i know are searching for something more. something that they haven't found inside an odd building that's called a church. something that will fill the emptiness in their souls. they're searching. and so am i. amidst the cliche's and legalism i've lived for far too long. that's not my place. that's not God's place. i'm searching. i just don't know what i'm looking for ...

take it slow

2007-09-26T09:49:00.001-05:00

love it. quess I know where I'm goin this weekend.

it's been strange not really being at work yesterday or today. it's hard to believe how much I enjoy my job and the people I work with. tonight we're hanging out at leeno's. and friday night we're all going out. I really enjoy them.

watched the playing of halo3 last night. my goodness.

this week is jam packed. and secretly I wish it wasn't. you win some you lose some.

I've still never been to 3$ burgs ... could it be a time?

1... 2... 3... 4...

2007-09-24T11:05:00.000-05:00

clayton and i like this song. and ipods.

grumpy mcgrumperson

2007-09-22T22:08:00.000-05:00

I was a bear at work this evening. everything that's happened over this past week has been catching up to me. sometimes I was downright rude which isn't like me at all. luckily I have the whole day off tomorrow.

highlight of the evening was talking about shot guns and not being an ohio state fan. any time now. anytime.

my coworkers were patient with me and told me it was okay to be grumpy since I'm never like that. and good thing nate brought us a large veggie pizza with breadsticks and ranch on the side. oh trading. you're delightful.

isn't it a bit funny

2007-09-22T08:15:00.000-05:00

this week has been thoroughly exausting. everything's being stripped ... and nudity hasn't proved to be all that great.

i've seriously got to talk with my drive-thru friends ... oh hilarious

the other day I was thinking about having a faith built on the foundation of Christianity vs. Christ. it's something I'd never really thought about. it's an interesting thought process.

this music video makes me sad.

disenchanted

2007-09-17T22:49:00.000-05:00

today has been interesting.

a.j. and i had a pretty great discussion today. turns out he's pretty disenchanted with the church and christianity really. we talked about politics and religion. starbucks is great.

tomorrow is my day off. i will enjoy it somehow.

my family is in a rough spot. flashbacks.

and i could be coming down with something. 6 asprin didn't seem to help my head much which is strange. and i'm sniffly and weary. whoever got me sick ... please stand up.

and out.

hmmm

2007-09-17T12:36:00.000-05:00

i'm headed to work in a second. last night i got sent home early which was lovely.

it's just an interesting place to be in.

plus i think i got asked out by my sprint guy. too bad i thought he was into guys. oh well. i guess i'm just really good at picking them huh.

good thing that this weather is beautiful. perfect for a motorcycle ride.

these posts have lost all their soul recently. i'm feelin pretty empty.

boink

2007-09-16T21:32:00.000-05:00

there's something wrong ... i just don't know what it is

what's normal?

2007-09-13T18:12:00.000-05:00

talked with Dani and Anna today. it was nice and needed.

I'm a slow motion accident.

creep

2007-09-13T08:48:00.000-05:00

last night I remembered how creepy I am.

but I had a wonderful time with some wonderful friends.

second day off in a row. don't worry, I'll make up for this next week for sure.

for now though, I will enjoy every second.

name dropping

2007-09-09T10:25:00.000-05:00

some wonderful conversations have been had recently. if you know me at all you probably know that I would rather have a deep discussion than just about anything.

friday here's how things went down - met up with Kim Foulis for coffee and zucchini bread at the mean bean cafe. while catching up with her lovely Anna Preston walked in, she was meeting with the equally lovely Casey DeWire. so the four of us reconnected. and even better, all four of us work at different starbucks. we're taking over the world.
after my reunion with Kimmie, I headed over to starbucks to have a little chat with Kelly Young. that conversation was wonderful and made me want to change the world. I love how that happens.
then I went to work and had a blast with Ming Cho and Monica. I've been told that it's strange how much I enjoy working and being with my coworkers.
after work I got together with my friend JT Meyer who I haven't really seen in years. it was stellar. talked about the old testament as fact or story then talked about drugs and everything in between. it was rather enjoyable.

well today is my little brother Clayton's birthday. he's 10 and adorable. I'll probably post pictures.

2007-09-08T01:04:00.001-05:00

today was fabulous is so many ways ... i'll update later. i have training in the morning.

itchin'

2007-09-06T22:33:00.000-05:00

I settled for this song when I finally figured out that the song I was really looking for isn't out yet. it's called Itchin' by Grant Lee-Phillips. we play it at starbucks and it's my jam these days. it reminds me of the beach. the warm sand and cool water is beckoning to me. I would love a hammock, a cool drink and Ithcin' playing in my ear.

that's really it I guess.

title

2007-09-06T11:48:00.000-05:00

this song plays at work a lot. and I've gotten sucked in.

last night a middle aged asian man gave Karla and I advice about guys. he informed us that nice guys just want something. so avoid nice guys, they're deceitful. he then told me that all american guys are the same. they just manipulate women to get what they want. he said that I should really date someone foreign because they would respect me, and I should date an older man since it's been proven that women mature about 10 years faster than men. interesting conversation.

no one wants to know

2007-09-05T11:58:00.000-05:00

isn't it funny how few people are looking for an honest answer to the question, "how are you?" maybe not so much funny as sad.

sad day

2007-09-03T22:06:00.000-05:00

one of the first things that my boss told me today is that he's being promoted and will be leaving our store in a month. sad. he's one of the main reasons that I even came back to Starbucks. he's such a great boss and an incredible man. I joked that I have a month to find a new job, but really, maybe I'm not joking. at this point I'm really up for anything, a move, a new job, perhaps school, maybe even being a bum and living on the streets. ha, we'll see.

but then Israel and I had a good talk. he asked some really insightful questions about my move back to Ohio and the potential difficulties of this adjustment. I felt very understood. he's a great guy. I told him about when I arrived in Chicago on Thursday and started unpacking Jenny's car that all these little kids cam running over wanting to help. they were adorable. then we compared that reaction to the reaction you're likely to receive where we live. skeptical neighbors peering out of their blinds exclaiming "there goes the neighborhood!" it was a good talk.

since I spent last night sleeping on a rather uncomfortable bus I am now going to go sleep for a good long while. thankfully I don't have to work tomorrow, that means lots of errands and doing things I should've done a while ago. perhaps even finding out where my car is and getting it towed. life is ridiculous, but when it hands me lemons I'm determined to make some delicious lemonade.

harding

2007-09-03T06:55:00.000-05:00

just got back from riding the mega bus back to ohio from good ol' chi-town. spent a lovely time with jenny, emily and random others. they psychoanalyzed me at one point which was really helpful.

probably the best part was when jen used beer to wash down a benedryl. somehow she turned into one of the funniest people I know.

but try this out. jenny and I pull up to her new apartment after being in a car for many many hours and as we start pulling all her junk outta the car these little kids come running over to ask if they can help. they acted like it was the best thing they'd done all day. then they kept yelling to everyone that passed that we were their new neighbors. I gave up explaining that I was merely assisting in the move. I miss living in the african american culture sometimes.

last night was my first bus ride ever. luckily I made friends with an angsty Ohio State student while standing in line. have I mentioned that my idea of successful traveling is getting from point a to point b without people entering my bubble? well this guy somehow thought that I told him that he could use half my chair. I never said that. he told me all about his life until finally I told him that I'd popped a couple sleeping pills right before getting on the bus.

but now I'm back in Ohio. and tonight I work.

most of the time

2007-08-29T10:32:00.001-05:00

laura's moving to Boston today.

jenny is picking me up after work and we're leaving.

it's just one of those days somehow. maybe it's because i got one of my most unfavorite haircuts yesterday. maybe it's because i have a friend leaving. maybe it's because i feel like the inside of me is corroding. i'm not sure.

i'm deeply confused about everything having to do with Christianity. it seems to be that the more i search the more lost i become. but it will be good to have people to talk with this weekend.

my heart needs a little somethin'.

alright I'm outta here. I'm dying here.

doobie da

2007-08-27T22:13:00.000-05:00

sometimes I wish I wasn't such a girl about things. but the truth of the matter is that I am.

but I've gotta go get some sleep so I'm coherent for work in the morning. have I mentioned that I really love my job. bunches to do tomorrow. then wednesday I get to see my Jenny and Tara.

places I plan to go within the next year:
chicago numerous times
baltimore
maine
boston
texas
new york

la la la la la la life is wonderful.

boys

2007-08-26T21:20:00.000-05:00

my sixteen year old brother was telling me this story tonight of how a girl walked up to him and said hello while he was texting on his phone. he briefly looked up and said hello then went on with his texting. the girl sighs loudly and walks away then moments later is back with a friend of hers. she then introduces herself to him. my brothers friend starts laughing about it. my brother just looked at the girls and at his friend and without even acknowledging that they had spoken says, "come on johnny, let's walk." i think my brother is funny.

plus i think i got asked out by a senior in highschool tonight. ridiculous.

the old things

2007-08-26T17:04:00.000-05:00

i had a blast last night.

that's all i guess.

my game

2007-08-23T08:14:00.000-05:00

it's been an interesting couple of days. it would just be really great to lay on the couch and wait for Dani to come in and scratch my head while Anna asks what's going on. but that's over, so I'm trying to adjust. turns out I'm doing a very poor job of it.

today I'm going in search of a couple things, mainly a bike.

words escape me. I will leave you with something from good ol' Henri.

"We tend to run around trying to solve the problems of our world while anxiously avoiding confrontation with that reality wherein our problems find their deepest roots: our own selves. In many ways we are like the busy man who walks up to a precious flower and says: "What for God's sake are you doing here? Can't you get busy someway?" and then finds himself unable to understand the flower's response: "I am sorry, sir, but I am just here to be beautiful."

maybe I'm sick

2007-08-21T08:04:00.000-05:00

of all the coffee shops ...
in all the world ...
why mine?
why now?

old gypsy woman

2007-08-20T06:22:00.000-05:00

this song is lovely.

today I'm getting certified. then I get to eat as many hot dogs as I can even handle. thank you baseball.

A House in the Distance

2007-08-19T11:15:00.000-05:00

Silence is night
and just as there are nights
with no moon and no stars
when you're all alone
totally alone
when you're cursed
when you become a nothing
which no one needs --
so too there are silences
which are threatening
because there is nothing except the silence
Even if you open you ears
and your eyes
it keeps going on
without hope or relief.
Night with no light, no hope
I am alone
in my guilt
without forgiveness
without love.
Then, desperately, I go looking for friends
then I walk the streets searching for a body
a sign
a sound
finding nothing.
But there are also nights
with stars
with a full moon
with the light from a house in the distance
and silences which are peaceful and reflective
the noise of a sparrow
in a large empty church
when my heart wants to sing out with joy
when I feel that I'm not alone
when I'm expecting friends
or remember a couple of words
from a poem I read lately
when I love myself in a Hail Mary
or the sombre voice of a psalm when I am me
and you are you
when we aren't afraid of each other
when we leave all talk to the angel
who brought us the silence
and peace.
-H. J. M. Nouwen

I love this passage. It strikes a chord. I've been learning to take the good along with the bad. The pain along with the joy. It's all a part of my life. To try and shut out certain aspects of my experiences is to short change myself. It's a new way of life, but I'm really hating/enjoying it. I'm learning to be okay with the contradictions within me.

Thank you Kim for this book. It's beautiful.

Working for the premier purveyor of the world's best coffee has been wonderful so far. I'm headed back in today and I'm excited about that.

I'm also excited about Jenny and I's pit stop in Cinci to see Brad. And I'm excited to see Emily and Jenny.

In a lot of ways I feel like I've grown cynical this past year. But I'm okay with that. It's part of the "process" I guess. A couple months back I talked with my City Director about all the anger and frustration I feel with the world and the church and he gave me some of the most insightful things to think about. He's such a wise, tenderhearted man and I miss being under his leadership. He challenged me to not give up on the church, specifically "mega" churches. There's so much hope there. And it's good to remember things like that.

It's also good for me to remember sitting on the roof with Jenny, Dani, Brittany, Chris, Ben, Shawn, Josh. It was an incredible experience to know those people. Not to mention walking in the creek with Brad and Chris. Talking about whatever deep thing popped into our heads. It was the land of the dreamers. I miss the dreamers.

Last night I went back down to FOTV with Kelly Young. Her heart for the people she's serving is such a blessing to watch. Plus, I love seeing the face of Jesus in the people we merely hand a meal to. Listening to their stories. Getting picked on by Rich. So many times I just wanted to cry. It's good. God is good, even though it seems that there are injustices everywhere I look. I'm reminded that the way my heart breaks, and the anger I feel is only a small fraction of what's going on with God. That reminds me to keep keepin' on.

Alright. I'm done for a little bit.

crossed over

2007-08-17T22:33:00.000-05:00

my entire family is gone right now. I'm at the house alone with my cat. bah.

and I've crossed over to the bad side.

so now I will probably pop in a movie and hang out with myself. isn't this terribley pathetic.

one of my coworkers started dating a girl a couple weeks ago. I'm not sure if I've ever been so happy for someone to get a significant other. though he was really mad that people pointed her out to me. he seemed embarrassed for me to even know about it. but I'm glad I do. lucky dog.

it's been a long week. but at least I know that I'm headed back to Chicago at the end of this month. plus I really enjoy my coworkers. one of the new ones, Ming, informed me that the Chinese symbol on my necklace means crazy. that was helpful. I guess I am crazy.

alright. done. tomorrow's busy. and tonight I will sleep like a baby.

reply

2007-08-17T11:06:00.000-05:00

brothers

2007-08-16T09:14:00.000-05:00

two of my brothers. clayton and michael ... they're wonderful.

my nine year old brother just sat down and picked up his video game controller and said, "I think it's time for some mindless violence or some mindless running people over with a car."

and my sixteen year old brother got me an airsoft handgun for my birthday. it's silver and apparently I'm supposed to shoot at people and things with it. he got himself a sniper rifle. somehow I feel as though I'm being set up.

here is the part where I will reveal what a nerd I am. I really enjoy JoJo's song Beautiful Girls (Reply). take that world.

and these girls I miss like mad. what a wonderful time in the woods.

just play

2007-08-16T08:01:00.001-05:00

Keep walking, though there's no place to get to.
Don't try to see through the distances.
That's not for human beings.
Move within, but don't move the way fear makes you move.
Today, like every other day, we wake up empty and frightened.
Don't open the door to the study and begin reading.
Take down a musical instrument.

Let the beauty we love be what we do.
There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground.

- Rumi

things people say

2007-08-15T08:32:00.000-05:00

two favorite quotes of the day

"I'm sorry you're white." - Christine

"Everything you believe is wrong." - Matt

it was an interesting day for sure. I picked up a green apron and started remembering all the things I forgot over the past year. got filled in on all the Starbucks gossip which I really could have done without. but my boss is a really incredible man and I am more than pleased to be working for him again.

but I miss them. yesterday I talked with Emily from Maine/Boston/Chicago and I always laugh when I talk with her. then I talked with Dani from Maryland and I just miss so much. this is a strange state for me to be in. I'm not comfortable here.

blue state

2007-08-13T20:15:00.000-05:00

my friend kim gave me a link to this report on a substantial number of deaths involving acquaintances of the Clintons. weird. here it is.

there have been a number of long days recently. tomorrow I will be picking up a green apron once again. it's been a long time. hopefully I can still pump, pull and pour in a timely fashion.

dreaming

2007-08-11T21:38:00.000-05:00

this evening I tagged along with Ashley to go with a group of people and hangout with the homeless of Columbus. it made me feel really excited. not only does this group bring food but it appears that they bring hope as well. they're helping people get jobs and housing. it was encouraging to see. I met a lot of wonderful new friends. my favorite was bob. he looks like an enormous chubby elf. he's got the sweetest spirit and gentlest eyes. and he wreaked of alcohol and urine.
my new friend steve and I are going to keep going. plus I met this incredible guy named alex who went down with us. he, ashley and I are going to be friends long into the future. the three of us started dreaming about the future and we all got so excited. it's the first time in a long time that I've seen a guy get that excited about serving Jesus by serving the poor. he just couldn't stop smiling and sometimes jumping as we talked. this time was very encouraging for me.

bloody

2007-08-11T08:31:00.000-05:00

last night I spent an enjoyable evening at the Laughlin household. gran pammy and cj aka grandpa are here in the states from new zealand while cj is having chemo therapy. they're british so they use words like 'bloody' quite frequently. mama laughlin yelled at me for not getting my mole checked out, then told me she was glad I was back. ashley and I played with the new camera she got from uncle steve. I would really like an uncle steve. dad asked how I've been doing since I got back. gran pammy called ash, mama laughlin and I deadbeats. then ashley and I headed to the usual spot to enjoy our usual bout of serious conversation amidst bursts of laughter. then we headed back to the castle where I promptly fell asleep on some sort of mattress in paigey's room. what an enjoyable family. they told me to move in.

yesterday I finally got to see matt perform. the band doesn't really play my type of music. head banging and screaming tends to make everything inside my face want to fall out. I left that concert feeling like I should really get my lip pierced ... about four times ... and I really should cover my body in tattoos. maybe I didn't really feel like that. it was good to see matt and robby though. they're two really great guys.

this book that shawn gave me has been splendid. it's gut wrenching. I was very skeptical. woman author. but she's so raw and real and I would really like to be friends with her. here's a little nugget that made me cry in the mean bean coffee shop ...

"...the bad news is that whatever you use to keep the pain at bay robs you of the flecks and nuggets of gold that feeling grief will give you. A fixation can keep you nicely defined and give you the illusion that your life has not fallen apart. But since your life may indeed have fallen apart, the illusion won't hold up forever, and if you're lucky and brave, you will be willing to bear disillusion. You begin to cry and writhe and yell and then to keep on crying; and then, finally, grief ends up giving you the two best things: softness and illumination." - Anne Lamott from the book Traveling Mercies

it's an interesting journey. something I've realized is that I would rather sit in this pain for awhile than to continue to feel numb. I'm truly grateful to those that have been a part of getting to this place.

2007-08-10T09:08:00.000-05:00

day 1

2007-08-09T15:00:00.000-05:00

today I've been unpacking and reorganizing for about 6 hours. I've got an ungodly amount of possessions. literally. my 9 year old brother clayton sat on my bed and picked music for us to listen to for about 4 of those hours. he's so great.

all I've got is some skin hanging off the tip of my toe to imply that there's anything different. that makes this even harder. but I'm doing my best to embrace the questions and let the feelings soak into my soul. it's uncomfortable.

alright, time to go find ashley.

I'm a mess

2007-08-08T22:33:00.000-05:00

well I walked into my bedroom sat down on my bed and sobbed. this isn't normal for me. the dam was broken down this past week and I'm turning into a basket case.

but on a happier note I had a wonderful time with some wonderful people last night. thank God I remember almost every second of it.

try this on for size. my roommates jenny and dani give me hugs goodbye in our doorway and then as I'm walking down the stairs they start singing our moulin rouge song. wonderful.

and I just remembered what a creep I am. google is a wonderful little invention.

seeing as how last night I got around 3 hours of "sleep" I am going to lay down and try to forget about everything going on in my brain. it's quite a jumble up there. oh I also realized how many time I used to word wonderful in this post. I'm over compensating ... deal with it.

oh what a night

2007-05-28T12:06:00.000-05:00

last night i went to bed around 12 ... woke up around 1 because of some really strange dreams ... and then woke up at 2 because of some horrible dreams ... plus after the horrible dream i had a dream that i had woken up ... things just got terrifying after that ... so i finally really woke up and saw that my roommate wasn't in her bed so i went to find her. anna, dani and lauren were sitting in the living room talking ... so i walked out told them i had a nightmare and laid down on the couch. then anna scratched my head while lauren and dani asked me about my dream. what wonderful roommates. i felt like i was 6 again ... but in a good way ... so then we sat around and talked till about 4 ... after that i just couldn't let myself slip into unconsciousness again ... dreams are funny things ... but now i'm real tired.

the school where i work now won't let me get on blogspot. i'm sad. so goodbye friends.

last day

2007-04-27T11:05:00.000-05:00

today is my last day here at the Health Clinic.

funny how I haven't seen my supervisor since I gave my two weeks. and I got an email this morning in response to one I sent her, it said she wouldn't be able to make it over here to pick up the key from me so I'm just supposed to leave it with the receptionist. that's a little crazy don't ya think?

good thing I'm leaving early to go make cookies with Anna, then movie night at Shawns, then wakin up super early to get Matt from Union Station. it should be a good weekend.

and I talked with the lady who I'll be working for next and she's so excited and it looks like for starters I'll be working with preschoolers. how perfect is that? she said that I'm coming in at the perfect time. God works in mysterious ways.

miss mean ... bring me cake and balloons. I think you're great.

alright this is it. I'm gonna go say goodbye ... then I'm outta here.

and last night i had a dream that i was this secret agent of sorts. my family knew about it. then i jumped off this ridiculously high snow drift and johnny was sitting at the bottom in a t-shirt playing guitar. where in the world do these things come from? i'm gonna go take a nap and try my luck at better dreams. have a wonderful weekend everyone!

change ... everybodies doin it

2007-04-26T12:15:00.000-05:00

tomorrow's my last day here ... somehow I neglected to tell my coworkers ... I'm gonna do that as soon as I'm done typing this ... weird how I haven't heard from my supervisor in two weeks ...

a lot of people that I know are going through, or are about to go through, some kind of life altering change. seasons like this get me really pumped and excited to see what God can do.

last night some of my roommates got to laughing so hard we couldn't stop. it was the stomach hurting kind of laugh. then we played the "ha-ha" game. five of us played ... the other two were annoyed with us.

i'll be back in ohio in a week.

just gimme one

2007-04-26T09:29:00.000-05:00

Last night I dreamt that I was fighting in a war. It wasn't overseas, it was here in America. And this guy was being a real jerk.

displaced

2007-04-25T12:55:00.000-05:00

Proverbs 28:27
"He who gives to the poor will lack nothing,
but he who closes his eyes to them receives many curses."

Today I started reading Being White by Doug Schaupp and Paula Harris. So far so good. There's a huge emphasis on displacement. Choosing to place yourself outside of your comfort zone in order to befriend those of other ethnicities. It does a good job of looking at how we're to live with different races through a scriptural worldview. I'm a fan of this book so far.

Last night all of us leaders at J.A.M. got roped together and the kids threw water balloons at us. What a way to end the year.

dreamful sleep

2007-04-24T11:10:00.000-05:00

last night i had some disturbing dreams. in the future i will be avoiding people with bow and arrows, non-smokers, mansions, car's whose seats are covered in 6 in. of ice and family vacations.

do you have action?

2007-04-24T09:21:00.000-05:00

"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." James 1:27

"Do not merely listen to the word and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says." James 1:22

"What good is it my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such a faith save him? Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to him, 'Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed,' but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it? In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead." James 2:14-17

This is good, and challenging. And it's pretty self-explanatory, so read it and let it sink in. Way to go James.

2007-04-23T15:50:00.001-05:00

life makes me so excited.

this weekend

2007-04-22T16:04:00.000-05:00

lemme say that i've just enjoyed a fabulous weekend. the seniors from crosstrainers came out thursday night and just left a couple hours ago. we laughed and played so much ... and we got to experience God in really great ways.

duh duh duh duh. take a look at my girlfriend.

last night almost all of us slept on the churchs roof and we laughed till 3 in the mornin' then laura and i woke up at 530am. this girl is tired.

it was funny to see all these kids as seniors. ryder and i used to go have lunch with them at school once a week, and now they're graduating. it's crazy how time flies ya know? drew and eric flirted shamelessly with laura and i. we loved every minute of it.

let's have a list of names shall we? laura, ryder, nate and jed were the "leaders". jessica, alyssa, anna, wess, eric, drew, suzi and allie ... those were our precious little ones. it was the perfect group. i wouldn't have traded anyone on this team.

God is so faithful and i've been so encouraged by this weekend.

it's funny how when you try to convince people that they should move somewhere you realize how much you love it ... anyone considering a move ... you know who you are ... just do it. why not?

alright i'm gonna go hit up my starbucks and write about everything i learned this weekend.

thank you wonderfuls for coming and letting God use you in ways you'll never understand.

more to come ...

my funny, gutsy city director

2007-04-19T14:59:00.000-05:00

try this out for funny.

shawn came over last night and he did some hilarious things.

first off i was asking if a friend could come to a training with me. he asked if this friend was a "friend". and i said no, we're just friends and when that made him hesitate i was like, "well we dated for like two weeks if that helps." he then responded with, "wow! that sounds like a long time for you laura!" everyone laughed.

then we were sitting watching this little mouse run back and forth from our bookshelf to the couch. cute right. well then shawn stands up, walks over to where the house is hiding, pulls up the pillow that it's hiding under and steps on him! he stepped him to death.

now we know that not only is shawn wise and passionate, he's also got guts and a sense of humor. good to know ... good to know ...

tonight i've got a bunch of friends coming. pretty excited about what the weekend may bring. we're going to be doing some cleaning and painting for one of the older ladies in our church. then some hangout time. a couple of my roommates want to hangout with us. we'll see how this all works out ... but I'm excited to see God work this weekend.

oh this horrible world

2007-04-18T13:21:00.000-05:00

this week i've been reminded of how evil this world is. sometimes i forget that while God will overcome all of the sin and brokenness here, for the time being satan is the prince of this world.

isn't it ridiculous how insulated we become? we act as if we're living this easy "Christian" life when all over the world evil is dominating. there's no way to escape it, but at least we have hope.

"In this world you will have trouble, but take heart, I have overcome the world." John 16:33

something else that's been rolling around in my brain is when people say that they love someone not for who they are but for who they could be. they say that they love the potential they see in someone. and believe me, i've said the same thing. but isn't that wrong? it presents this problem, if you're appreciating someone for who they could be then you'll be expecting them to behave in ways their incapable of behaving. and isn't it a sort of cop out. we're called to love our neighbors, to love our enemies even. and the truth of the matter is that we're all sinful people. choosing not to see that or to look past that complicates things in the long run. we're to love people in spite of all their short comings. we're to love people for who they are, not for who they may or may not become in the future. and who ever gave us the right to decide who it is that our neighbors should or could be? we're a messed up people.

last night my roommates and i were talking about the tragedy that's taken place on virginia tech's campus. how can we look at things like this and not be convinced that the world is an evil place? there's no where to hide my friends. think of the devastation that this event is bringing. bigger than the students or the college, think of the parents of those who died. how about the younger siblings who are about to go away to college, don't you think those parents are going to have some serious reservations about their kids leaving them? what about the kids who were already struggling with thoughts of doing the same kinds of things? what about the students that survived and now have to live with that fear? how can satan do things like this? and how, as God's people can we help to bring love to those that are hurting?

i, for one, don't want satan to get away with things like this.

righteousness vs. justice

2007-04-17T13:46:00.000-05:00

so much happened over the past week that i wouldn't even know where to start if i were to write it all out.

but i will share with you what my City Director shared with all of Mission Year.

Shawn was talking about righteousness and justice. he brought up how you rarely see those two words separated in the Old Testament, but that you hardly see the word justice at all in the New Testament. he filled us in on how the root of those two words is the same. they should be together.

he talked about how we've separted those two words and their meanings. but that we shouldn't have one without the other. righteousness has come to represent moral conscience while justice is more concerned with social issues. when we think of the righteous we tend to envision those whose personal relationship with God is top notch. while the word justice brings to mind someone fighting social inequality.

it's challenging. righteousness needs to exist hand-in-hand with justice. they should not be separte terms but different aspects of the same idea.

if i were to faithfully read my bible every day and never miss a church service but don't love those in need, what's the point of it?

faith without works is dead people.

b.j.novak

2007-04-17T09:27:00.000-05:00

last night i had a dream that i was dating b.j. novak. we lived in the same state but i was going to transfer to another state. he asked me if i would stay with him, and i said yes. hilarious.

then i told my roommate dani about the dream, she's the only one who has seen the office, and she laughed and said, "that sounds like the total opposite of what you would do."

sometimes i wish there was some kind of machine you could plug yourself into so that you could experience dream world whenever you please ... other times i realize how stupid that sounds.

today's the big day

2007-04-12T13:08:00.000-05:00

it's been a long day already ... nothing too much has happened ... it just feels like i've been sitting at my desk for 12 hours already. oh well.

tomorrow my roommates and some other mission year kids are taking part in a sleep out. we're raising awareness for youth homelessness here in Chicago. just pray that the cold doesn't get to us too bad.

then hopefully we'll be getting things set up at the new place on Saturday night. it'll just be really nice to finally get settled in somewhere.

bah hum bug. this weather is making me grumpy ... but i shouldn't complain because soon enough it's gonna be hot and gross and i'll be whiny about that. good thing God's really patient with me. good thing.

ch-ch-ch-changin

2007-04-11T13:54:00.000-05:00

looks like i'll be doin that one thing tomorrow ... hopefully i have a back up plan before it's done and over with ...

fidelity ... what a pretty song ... thanks MLE ... from now on whenever i hear it i will think of you and i driving through powell on our way to josh's ... you're so great ...

brad left me a voicemail earlier today that said, "stop checking your voicemail and get back to work!" well, he got me ... but now i'm gettin LCHC by leaving early ... take that ...

i've been reading about generosity today ... giving freely to those in need trusting that if ever you're in need you too will be taken care of ... isn't that the way the church is supposed to be? ... well paul thought so ... and so do i ...

welcome back winter

2007-04-11T10:09:00.000-05:00

today i sloshed my way down to the bus stop only to stand in the bitter cold for about forty-five minutes. but thanks to katie and kim at least i have really dry feet.

back in action

2007-04-10T09:40:00.000-05:00

last night i was greeted by lauren and jenny. then anna, dani and tara all got home. my gosh who thought i would miss them so much? it's good to be back here. there were a lot of good times had back in ohio, but it's good to be back here. last night we just layed around in the living room talking and playing with hair. they're so great.

pray for me that i will be able to find a new service site this week. it's time to move on from here.

oh but i do miss my family and my special friends. good thing matt told me about this bus. this just means that you better come visit. the next four weekends are booked or are possibley booked. so check your calendar, then let's play.

my mom told me on the way to the airport that she doesn't really see me coming straight back to ohio after august ... who even knows what i'm supposed to do with my life ... just live with MLE is all ...

time to go do this work thing ... bah ...

Isaiah 58:6-14 (New International Version)

6 "Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:
to loose the chains of injustice
and untie the cords of the yoke,
to set the oppressed free
and break every yoke?

7 Is it not to share your food with the hungry
and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—
when you see the naked, to clothe him,
and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?

8 Then your light will break forth like the dawn,
and your healing will quickly appear;
then your righteousness [a] will go before you,
and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.

9 Then you will call, and the LORD will answer;
you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.
"If you do away with the yoke of oppression,
with the pointing finger and malicious talk,

10 and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry
and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,
then your light will rise in the darkness,
and your night will become like the noonday.

11 The LORD will guide you always;
he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like a spring whose waters never fail.

12 Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins
and will raise up the age-old foundations;
you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls,
Restorer of Streets with Dwellings.

13 "If you keep your feet from breaking the Sabbath
and from doing as you please on my holy day,
if you call the Sabbath a delight
and the LORD's holy day honorable,
and if you honor it by not going your own way
and not doing as you please or speaking idle words,

14 then you will find your joy in the LORD,
and I will cause you to ride on the heights of the land
and to feast on the inheritance of your father Jacob."
The mouth of the LORD has spoken.

hey there delilah

2007-04-07T16:09:00.000-05:00

this week is almost over ... but i'm extracting every good moment possible from it ... currently running on 3 hours of sleep and haven't felt better in a long time ...

about to have dinner with the family

emily scott ... you've been a scream this week. i think you're really great and i'm glad i have you.

slowly but surely ... it's happening just like i was afraid it would ...

2007-04-04T08:29:00.000-05:00

the past couple days have been really nice.

today i've got paige, maybe laura brown, and maybe the brother ... who knows in what order ... but first some coffee shoping is in order ...

this week is gonna fly by ... so that's good ...

oh, had hound dogs yesterday. that pizza is good hot, and cold. fantastic. i may have to get it again before i leave ... we'll see ...

here we go

2007-03-30T09:52:00.000-05:00

Last night Jenny, Shawn and I looked at two apartments. And we're gonna take one of them. The previous tenants dipped out in a hurry and trashed the place. So in order to get in sooner a couple of us are headin over there today to clean it up. Oh the places you'lll go.

Then tonight Jenny, Chris, Brad and I are gonna hang out ... I'm excited ... they're fun.

Tomorrow flying out around 11am ... should arrive in Ohio around 1pm. I'm really excited to be back in Ohio for awhile.

Life's always an adventure these days.

I've gotta get myself some new shoes.

good times had

2007-03-29T09:39:00.000-05:00

look at how cute we are in mcdonalds!

last night was mission years last hoorah before spring break. and it was good.

first we had pizza. delicious. then shawn spoke. oh my goodness he is incredible. he talked about so many things that were so moving. it was mainly a challenge to throw the rules and the program out the window and become what it is God wants us to be. i haven't seen that kind of passion in someone in quite awhile. he told us he was proud of us.

he talked about jesus' conversation with peter. "do you love me?" then he talked about that being what matters. do we love Christ? that's what's important. not a set of rules or a list of expectations. let love motivate.

and on a personal note ... while we were eating pizza he checked up on me about some issues that i spoke with him about. he's so caring. he listens. man i think he is an incredible man of God.

so after that ... the fun times began! karaoke went over really well. we got almost everyone from mission year singing and laughing. anna and i played air hockey the way we do ... ultimate air hockey ... it's painful but really fun. i was just makin friends like crazy. chris and i are now friends on a deeper level. after our conversation last night he said, "well, i feel like i know a whole new laura." then he shook my hand. he's really great too. man it was such a great time.

okay ... today's a half day for chicago public schools ... so hopefully i'll be done real quick ... then it's takin apart beds and packin up the old apartment ... weird ...

Jesus said to Simon Peter, "Simon son of John, do you truly love me more than these?" "Yes, Lord," he said, "you know that I love you." Jesus said, "Feed my lambs."
John 21:15

though i walk

2007-03-28T09:31:00.000-05:00

last night most of my roommates and i hungout with the bethel team. chris, ben, lee, sarah, hailey and elizabeth. there were some awkward times but we laughed a lot. well i laughed a lot.

then i read carl's xanga and it said something about me being feisty, loud mouthed and opinionated ... i'm just gonna take that as a compliment ... but i realized it's true ... who knew?!

Kim, Kelly and Carl ... it's just not the same without you here ...

so we thought we had found a place to live ... we thought we had two for sure ... but through an unfortunate turn of events we are back down to zero ... just pray that we find somewhere soonish ...

alright ... i've gotta fill out an evaluation form before tonight ... we have one last meeting before spring break ... and luckily jenny and i talked our city director into having karaoke afterwards ... i'm excited about it ...

paolo nutini

2007-03-27T15:31:00.000-05:00

Woke up cold one tuesday,
i'm looking tired and feeling quite sick,
i felt like there was something missing in my day to day life,
so i quickly opened the wardrobe,
pulled out some jeans and a T-Shirt that seemed clean,
topped it off with a pair of old shoes,
that were ripped around the seams,
and i thought these shoes just don't suit me.

Hey, I put some new shoes on,
and suddenly everything is right, I said, hey,
I put some new shoes on and everybody's smiling, it so inviting,
Oh, short on money, but long on time,
slowly strolling in the sweet sunshine,
and i'm running late,
and i don't need an excuse,
'cause i'm wearing my brand new shoes.

Woke up late one thursday,
and i'm seeing stars as i'm rubbing my eyes,
and i felt like there were two days missing,
as i focused on the time,
and i made my way to the kitchen,
but i had to stop from the shock of what i found,
a room full of all my friends dancing round and round,
and i thought hello new shoes,
byebye them blues.

Take me wondering through these streets,
where bright lights and angels meet,
stone to stone they take me on,
im walking to the break of dawn.

over to bethel. peace.

the conclussion

2007-03-27T09:39:00.000-05:00

well i just got in to work. got on a train at 8am ... got off my second train and walked down the street to work ... entered the building at 930am. that's why public transportation is so great. kidding.

but seriously ... had such a good time with Kim, Kelly and Carl. especially the cuddling and giggling at night.

and we got to watch TV!!!! i really wasn't that excited ... but we all know how i get around tv's ... can't concentrate on anything else.

we ate at the rainforest cafe, ihop and ginos east pizza. plus we ate car snacks a lot. i haven't eaten so much good food in a long time.

we went to the museum yesterday, and then kim and i walked around downtown. i took her to my borders and my starbucks. it was lovely.

true i remembered how hard it is for me to spend long periods of time with people (i got grumpy), but luckily for me, they still love me. and i still love them. and we're all still friends.

at one point ... well actually several points ... we group hugged in public or were all in a heap on the bed with carl jumping.

carl was really good at driving. and kim and kelly just made me laugh so much. i laughed a lot ... a lot ... thanks for coming guys! i really appreciate you and how you guys took care of me and didn't let me pay for anything. don't worry ... just keep a list and i'll pay you back someday :)

you all are wonderful!

new shoes was our theme song.

medikine.

vacation

2007-03-25T22:31:00.000-05:00

well currently i'm in skokie.

i'm laughing so much today.

but this morning broke my heart. this little girl was in my Sunday school class and she had cerebral palsy and was blind. broke my heart. she was so sweet.

right now kim is brushing her teeth. kelly is blow drying her hair. and carl is shaving. all within a 4ft by 4ft area. they're so familyish. i'm glad they're here.

we ran into Brian and Heather and it was awkward.

gotta go ... kim's coming ...

less angsty

2007-03-23T15:04:00.000-05:00

"Do not stress too much the fact that love seeks to penetrate the intimate secrets of the beloved. Those who are too fond of this idea fall short of true love, because they violate the solitude of those they love, instead of respecting it."

"Our failure to respect the intimate spiritual privacy of other persons reflects a secret contempt for God himself. It springs from the crass pride of fallen man, who wants to prove himself a god by prying into everything that is not his own business. The tree of the knowledge of good and evil gave our first parents a taste for knowing things outside of God, in a way in which they are not known truly, instead of knowing them in Him, in whom alone we are able to find them and know them and love them as they are."

"We ruin others our ourselves together not by entering into the sanctuary of their inner being--for no one can enter there except their Creator--but by drawing out of that sanctuary and teaching them to live as we live: centered upon themselves."

"Do not desire chiefly to be cherished and consoled by God; desire above all to love Him. Do not anxiously desire to have others find consolation in God, but rather help them to love God. Do not seek consolation in talking about God, but speak of Him in order that He may be glorified."

Quotes from T. Merton

And this one is from Hugh Grant I think ...

"What's the point of life if Risk is just a board game?"

My mother sent me the soundtrack to Music and Lyrics the other day. I really like it. Especially this song that Hugh wrote for Drew towards the end of the movie. This line is in it, "...you've killed all my plants."

At least the work week is over.

lost the back bone

2007-03-23T14:23:00.000-05:00

First off, last night I ate 3 dinners. Went home and ate some cereal. Went to choir practice and ate a sub. Went back home and had some shells and cheese. That's ridiculous. I still feel a little gross from it.

So here's how it happened. I'm supposed to meet with my supervisor on Friday afternoons. She and I haven't met in over a month now. So today she calls and tells me that she'll be over within the hour with this other woman who wants me to volunteer for her also. Okay alright I think to myself, we're gonna straighten things out and I won't be doing what I don't want to do. But lo and behold they come to gang up on me! My super asked me to tell them why the prospect of this new responsibility is overwhelming, so I tell them it's not something I'm not good at and I'm not comfortable with it. Then my supervisor and this woman start going on and on about things that they can do to make this thing fit in with what I'm already doing. Then I got an attitude and said something like, well from the sounds of it I don't have a choice. This isn't something I want to do but I have to. I'll do my best to work with you. They both caught on that I was upset, but no one seemed to care. They just did that, "oh someone has an attitude" face. This is ridiculous.

I'm so complainy. Here's why I'm upset. First off, my supervisor and I haven't met in over a month. This past week she was out of town but for most of the weeks we haven't met she hasn't even called to tell me she's not coming to our once a week meetings. Then she also knows that I really don't want to do this. I told her I don't. But then for her to show up like this and sorta corner me into doing this thing that she knows I'm not comfortable with just doesn't seem very professional and definitely not very Christian like. And to top it off, I was planning on telling her today that I'm cutting back my hours here so that I can do something where I'll actually be learning things from other people, rather than seeing a supervisor every once and awhile. So there goes that.

My experience here at Lawndale has changed the way I view Christian organizations drastically. As of right now I do not want to work for a large "Christian" anything. Maybe a small one, maybe. I'm just so sick of these enormous places that claim to be "Christian" while not fleshing that out. Seriously, how can an organization make that claim? That's making the statement that everyone in the organization is a little Christ. Trying to live out their faith with fear and trembling. When in reality I've seen so much here that has nothing to do with Christ. People that are discriminated against, taken advantage of, and looked over. Some of those I've experienced. I have hardly felt any love or concern from the majority of people I've met here. Oh and don't even get me started on how I've seen patients treated.

The fact that this place is labeled a "Christian" health clinic, just means that along with doctors and nurses and exec's getting bashed, so does Christ. Not all these patients are believers, we represent Christ! So why do we over book and let sick patients sit in the waiting room for hours because we don't have enough staff to take care of them? Have we grown too large? Why are numbers so important?

Oh my goodness I'm so grumpy now. Why can't people love people? Oh I wish there was something I could punch right now. Preferably a face.

Alright ... tonight Shawn is coming over. He's our new City Director ... hopefully he can help me.

T. Merton

2007-03-22T13:34:00.000-05:00

Recently I've been rereading Thomas Merton's book No Man is an Island, and I've been having an enjoyable time with it. He says ...

"If we are to love sincerely, and with simplicity, we must first of all overcome the fear of not being loved...We must somehow strip ourselves of our greatest illusions about ourselves, frankly recognize in how many ways we are unlovable, descend into the depths of our being until we come to the basic reality that is in us, and learn to see that we are lovable after all, in spite of everything!"

Oh and I love this one ...

"The value of our activity depends almost entirely on the humility to accept ourselves as we are. The reason why we do things so badly is that we are not content to do what we can. We insist on doing what is not asked of us, because we want to taste the success that belongs to somebody else."

This book is rather engrossing. Last night my roommates and I were talking about the Christian idea of a "calling" vs. "vocation". And I got to whip out all these fabulous things Thomas said. It's been really helpful for me, so hopefully it was helpful to them.

This conversation happened last night,

Anna: "Laura?"
Laura: "Yes?"
Anna: "You do like physical contact don't you?"
Laura: "Uh ... what do you mean?"
Anna: "Well when we first met you, you said you didn't like people to touch you..."
Laura: "Yeah that maybe wasn't totally true."
Anna: "I know! I just realized that in all your pictures you're touching EVERYONE!"

So now it's out. My roommates know that I don't mind hugs and high fives and cuddling ... well I still hate high fives.

It's also now out that two of my roommates have formed Mission Year crushes. Puhleease.

It's beautiful out today.

Guess what? My friends are coming on Sunday. Then next week I'm headed back to C-bus.

holler back

2007-03-22T10:19:00.000-05:00

www.lauraannyoung.com

i don't get this at all. but i wish it was my site.

out with the old in with the new

2007-03-21T13:48:00.000-05:00

Colossians 3:5-8 & 12-14

Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath of God is coming. You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips...Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

To Have Not

Sexual Immorality
Impurity
Lust
Evil Desires and Greed
Anger and Rage
Malice
Slander
Filthy Language

To Have

Holiness
Compassion
Kindness
Humility
Gentleness
Patience
Forgiveness
Love

No wonder it's so hard to do all the good things when I'm still participating in so many of the sinful things. If I pray that my love will increase but I don't take the time to deal with the bitterness that has taken root in my heart, where is the love going to grow.

Often I don't focus on the sin in my life, instead I focus on the goodness I'm trying to attain. In reality I am a sinful person. I can't forget that. There is sin that needs to be reckoned with before these virtues will have the opportunity to increase.

So, I must start with the sin that so easily entangles. Somehow I need to constantly be reminded of this. I know I'll forget. Before I ask that God would grow me in the area of kindness I need to make sure I pray against any malice that I have, or the slander that so easily comes.

Good thing God's word is living and active eh?

In other news, sometimes when you share your opinion with others, it makes them upset. It's confusing at times. Is it because I said something wrong ... or something right?

Either way, I have a craving for a protein bar. I've been liking those a lot recently.

Lean on Me

2007-03-21T09:41:00.000-05:00

Sometimes in our lives we all have pain
We all have sorrow
But if we are wise
We know that there's always tomorrow

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

Please swallow your pride
If I have things you need to borrow
For no one can fill those of your needs
That you don't let show

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

If there is a load you have to bear
That you can't carry
I'm right up the road
I'll share your load
If you just call me

So just call on me brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'd understand
We all need somebody to lean on
Lean on me when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
Till I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

Speaking of songs ... this morning Anna reminded me of the song that a little girl named Jess taught us in Sunday school. It went something like this ...

one little duck went out today
over the hill and far away
mama duck said quack quack quack
but only two little ducks came back

two little ducks went out today
over the hill and far away
mama duck said quack quack quack
but only three little ducks came back

- - at this point in the song one of the other little girls made a very wise observation. "She's singing it backwards!" Jess replied, "I am not!", then carried on.

three little ducks went out today
over the hill and far away
mama duck said quack quack quack
but only four little ducks came back

four little ducks went out today
over the hill and far away
mama duck said quack quack quack
but no little ducks came back!

- - another reason why little kids are so cute.

J.A.M. last night wasn't as discouraging as last week. Dominique snuck out again. But Felicia and Sha-Sha stayed. When I asked what we could pray about both of them had stories of close family friends that had recently killed themselves. How can these young kids handle this. Oh both guys killed themselves over girls. That's gotta distort their thinking so much. Breaks my heart.

The other night Hilary was telling me she thinks I should go to college. Not in the you're not smart enough kind of way, but the I think you'd really love learning in a more intense environment. That is something I'll have to think about one of these days.

But last night I got to hangout with Qunicy. He's hilarious. He's one of the other abstinence educators at Lawndale. When Quincy laughs there's usually jumping involved and a dropped cell phone. I love people that laugh with their entire body rather than just their voice. It was quite enjoyable.

Alright time to do that thing called sex ed. What fun ...

the things that i won't eat

2007-03-20T13:52:00.000-05:00

Yesterday Kim and I went through the list of food that I don't like. It is as follows:

1.cucumber
2.coleslaw
3.tarter sauce
4.shrimp

So pretty much what we've discovered is that I'll eat just about anything(not in the fat way).

At least we both like waffles a lot. And we're going to Australia to see a platypus someday.